David's...more of a dreamjournal really

Trouble In The Hood

2012-01-01T20:00:00.001-08:00

Last night I had a dream that I visited an old friend of mine in NYC, for some reason once again (as has occurred in past dreams) he was now living the projects. After parking my car and securing my gun (not owned in waking life but in the dream) by tucking it in the back of my pants, I entered the projects. I wasn't sure which apartment was his so I simply proceeded up the stairwell. When I reached the top floor I was confronted by some young men. They asked me why I was there several times, especially emphasizing "Why would a white guy be in the hood at this time of night?" Looking at a nearby clock I was startled to realize it was close to midnight, which was far later than I planned to stay. They then proceed to shove me and ask me more questions. I addressed them respectfully, even remembering my "Yes sir"s and "No Sir"s at the end of each sentence. When i was finally knocked on the floor by a final shove the young man in front of me shouted out to his friends "Yo! Someone bring me my gat!" By then I knew this was going to be a fatal situation. I discreetly, but quickly reached for my gun, and shot at the assailant in front of me, I fired about three times (in the police academy they teach you three shots to sink the body-mass) and returned to my feet and immediately retreated down the stairs. One of the apartment doors in the hallway was mysteriously open and there was my friend sleeping inside. He saw me and greeted me warmly in surprise. He asked me if I was coming to visit him. I promised I would return tommorrow and we would hang out. I tried to act as if nothing had happened to shield him from the reality of the situation. Then I exited the building as soon as possible and retreated to my car and woke up...

The World of Akarosh

2011-10-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

Last night i was wandering in my dream when suddenly a voice guided me to a portal which it said would take me to a deeper layer within my dream world, a world within a world it said. The voice warned me that this world was much more real than my regular dream world and if something bad happened i could be harmed in real life, but the reverse was true as well. I went to a kitchen within this world, but it had been ramsacked by some outside force so I had to use the spare. The voice told me that if I ate something here it would nourish me in real life. I looked in the fridge only a bunch of wraps were there, containing lunchmeat and fresh vegatables. I took a bite of a strange looking wrap filled only with olives. It was disgusting. The cook nearby informed me that the olives represented eyes and served as a warning to someone that they were being watched and destruction was coming their way. He assured me the wrap was not for me but for another and i put the wrap back and continued on my way...

After exploring the complex within this world i eventually awoke...

Mini Bootcamp

2011-09-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

I dreamed last night that as part of the ritual of entering military service i had to go to a nearby airforce base in the area and experience a sort of mini bootcamp. We spent most of the time standing at attention, remaining silent, and practicing marching, though there was ample leisure time as well. There was a small group watching tv when the DI left and so I joined them, silently and stoically i looked at the tv but i had no idea what they were watching and didnt much care. At some point i decided to go the bathroom and I blacked out.

I woke up and somehow i ended up in the brig, a little prison cell of sorts. I realized i had mistaken the brig for a bathroom area (since there was a toilet within) and to my horror i accidentally locked myself in. There was a button to buzz the font desk in case this happened, but unfortunately the button just lit up the cell and generated a computer voice saying, "Not to worry, we are confident that you can learn to march from behind bars" so i sat on the cott and sighed, resigned to my fate.

Finally, the DI returned from his break and released me from the room and gathered the others to finish our drills. He didnt seem to think it strange at all that i was in there in the first place, though i remember him sighing and rolling his eyes as if this happened all the time with new recruits.

Noahs girlfriend Lita showed up along with my mother to see march, but while other new recruits were being picked up by their parents, my mother left me there. I then heard various women's voices in my head reciting what seemed to be a poem entitled "Decant The Rant" assuring me it was ok, and this journey for the betterment of my soul, and all would be well etc.

They left me to my misery, but Lita promised to return to pick me up, and left her cellphone nearby, instructing me to watch it. The DI saw her and greeted her warmly, laughing, as if she were a "regular customer" here, probably from when she picked Noah up before he left for bootcamp. He teased her saying she was early, and didnt get off work for another hour. She explained she was on break, but assured me she would be back for me after work, and once again reminded me to watch her cellphone.

The DI then took us all aside and gave us a lesson in Christianity. Most of the recruits scoffed at him silently, but i listened with keen interest as he told the story of his daughter who was a devout Christian. He said she was so sincere and strong in her faith that she would often glow slightly, and when she left that glow would stay in the eyes of a person she talked to until they followed it to church to find the presence of God. As i said most of the recruits scoffed at the stories he told and the faith he held. I felt like I was the only Christian there.

We took another break of leisure time and one of the recruit, a large, built, and rather hairy fellow discovered a small metal sphere. It was referred to as a "religious matrix", which i suppose allowed one to experience his religion in 3d. The recruit, being a satanist typed into the marix "666" and we watched together. Profoundly realistic 3d images then ensued and we watched together. They mostly depicted torture, and various emo/dominatrix themed images and spectacles. I couldnt stand to watch it anymore so when he wasn't looking i typed in my own religious code "777". There were then images of Jesus Christ himself, both serious movies, and childrens cartoons telling the story of Christ flashed before us. My satanist friend was not impressed, but walked away huffing, puffing, rolling his eyes, muttering and mocking as he went.

I once again felt alone as I enjoyed the religious matrix, when suddenly someone joined me. There was some cartoon that first resembled southpark at first glance, but actually became more like Ren and Stimpy, then Rocco's Modern Life. Whatever the cartoon was it depicted a quaint show where a few children were misunderstanding the concept of imitating Christ. They waited for Jesus to arrive in Jerusalem and discussed how when he came they would simply copy everything he did. My new friend watched the cartoon with keen and sincere interest. We did not say a word to each other, both nervous and unsure of how to behave in this military environment, but nonetheless a silent bond formed, only from enjoying an entertainment piece from our mutual faith, juvenile as it may have been. He was the only other Christian there, i could sense it. Upon wondering what his name was i began to focus as if silently and psychically asking, and it was revealed to me his name was Jose'. As a silent connection of friendship formed between us I suddenly felt at ease and wondered if I might form other such bonds when actually in bootcamp.

Lita finally showed up and took me home. Upon returning my mother explained that she would've come to pick me up herself, but she just wanted me to know what it felt like to "make it back on my own" and I at last woke up...

1 Corinthians 10:13

2011-06-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

Last night right before 4 am i fell asleep on the couch. I fell into a dream where i was sitting on the porch swing in front of our house. An old friends voice came through my phone. it didnt ring, and when i checked no call as connected. His voice simply went through the phone miraculously, clear as day as if he say beside me.
'I thought you never wanted to talk to me again..." i said sadly.
"I dont," he answered. "But i had to. You have to move on, go on without me. Live your life to the fullest." we talked for a few moments, mostly idle conversation. He told me he still wasnt ready to forgive me. I wanted to ask why, what did I do to make him so angry that year ago? I didn't bother, knowing he wouldnt answer. He encouraged me to pray and seek God, and try to aloow Him to heal me, and help me move on. "Like it says in 1 Corithinthians 10:13..." he said. he quoted a few other verses to me as well, but i couldnt remember them. He also assured me that in heaven, when the world was recreated, and God reunited us, all would be well. Perhaps then, we could reconcile and be friends again. I felt myself waking up. He said he had to put the phone down now and dial 911. Did I say something to grieve him? i wondered. Or perhaps something bad was happening on the other line, something i might never know about, something God has not yet allowed me to understand. I needed to find out what was going on, but I was awakening. I still had so many question, so much I needed to learn from this dream. Couldn't I at least get closure? Fate forced me eyes open, and i was stuck with naught but that verse in my head to take from the experience...

No temptation[a] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

What did it mean?

Is there still some faint connection, or was God simply trying to reach me with a familiar voice? Either way what was i being told, and what does it all mean...?

airforce pros

2011-04-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

So i am thinking about joining the airforce assuming they are willing to overlook bad choices i made with my last branch in leaving delayed entry, and I've decided to make a list of reasons it might be good to join: 1.I'd be making good money 2. I might salvage what shreds of self-respect i have left by getting a real job and doing good for my country. 3.I dont have any friends left where I live now. Dont get me wrong there's nice people here i might miss, but for the most part i dont hang out with and/or am not attatched to any particular person here. 4. I dont have a girlfriend, and rumor has it that all the hottest girls join the airforce. 5.Everybody would call me "Beaver" again and i grew rather attatched to the designation while i was in Job Corps. 6. I could get away from some of the drama 7A.The job market still sucks here even with my education and experience 7B. Maybe i could wait out the dying economy another four years to see if it gets better, or if i feel the need reenlist and become a life. Job security is nice. 8. Countless reason that i might not have listed... So yeah i guess i need to call the guy back tommorrow.

Back from Job corps

2011-03-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

Ok so i graduated from Job Corps about a month ago and I am just now updating my blog. I hope to blog more.

The job search has been met with some hurdles. I got a job in landscaping for like two days, then i got a job offer for a job that was way better: better hours, better pay, etc. i had to go in for paperwork and a drug test the next day or i wouldnt get it so i had to make a split second decision. I ditched the landscaping job.

Then they never called me back for the job that seemed to be mine. I am still confident it will come through but I'm doubting more and more as time goes on. Truthfully i should've stuck with the job i was working with an independant contractor friend of my uncles. I was learning more and doing better there. It wasnt guaranteed to be stable, but maybe the risk was worth it.

A couple days ago a friend from job corps told me i should start a business, the same day my sister told me the same. I do have the basic knowledge i need in basic maintenance and construction but am I good enough to do it myself. I dont think so yet, besides i need tools and a vehicle. Not to mention insurance and a million other things. Still i could easily get a "real" job and pursue that when i save up and get a little more capital and knowledge.

Last night i had a dream that i started my own landscaping business and was working for a friend in our church. It was like a dream job (no pun intended) i felt fulfilled. Is it possible that God is calling me for more than the 9-5 paycheck to paycheck kind of life? I really cant figure it out...

Until then I dont know what to think...but i will start trying to blog more even though after so long of being inactive nobody probably reads this blog anymore...oh well...

The Real Church

2010-12-29T09:12:00.001-08:00

I've heard it said before that the church is not a building, but a body. It is the body of Christ, and the family of His believers, our brothers and sisters in Him. It never became evident to me more than it has now. Church is our relationships, our family, our friends, and the fellowship we believers have one with one another. It consists of the people who are there for you.

Church literally means two or more are gathered in His name, seeking him and drawing closer to Him. It is a journey we embark on together whether we attend the same congregation or not.

Recently I've noticed some things in the church I once called home that made me realize it wasn't home at all. In all honesty I never felt like part of this church, and certainly not accepted as part of a family. The only time I felt like I belonged was when I worked in the children's ministry, but that part of my life is far behind me and I don't plan on reopening it.

This past sunday me and my friend who came back with me for the break decided to dip out on the whole church scene. He played xbox with my dad and I played the sims, I was pretty happy, I don't need much. After church was over our friend Pastor Brian hosted an open house. It was just a small gathering to welcome people to his newly obtained home. We broke bread and mostly just talked. Pastor Brian shared a more personal story that sort of tied into a devotion, though there was no formal biblestudy. It was really just a few Christians (and a nonchristian in the mix) sharing fellowship and friendship. As Pastor Brian said we were "making memories" together. That's what church is all about. Everyone was welcome, no one was judged.

This little open house felt more like church than any "church" I've ever been to. So I guess I can't say I skipped church this past sunday.

I'm still not sure I'll ever attend faithfully again. If I did go to a church it would have to be one with beautiful single women about my age, that would be the only real motivation that could get me.

Reinvention

2010-12-21T11:04:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since i got on here, as always always the blogs on jobcorps are blocked along with a bunch of other retarted crap. So obviously i couldnt blog if I wanted to and frankly i dont. Nothing particularly exciting has happened. I have however, changed alot.

I've met people, done things, and experienced crap that has pretty much changed my views and personality all at once.

I am very close to graduating sometime in February or March, but what I take from jobcorps, good and bad will follow me very long after.

All I know is life as I once knew it will likely not be the same, not after what I've seen and felt. Not after what God has allowed me to experience. On one hand I am stronger. I dont cry about things like I used to. Things dont faze me like they used to, and yet they do, I guess I just react differently than I used to.

My values have changed too, and in a sense I am bitter. All the friends I thought would be there have not been. Over the course of my life people have come and gone, lost to some retarted circumstance and I'm tired of it. Church was once the most important part of my life. There was nothing I loved more than waking up on Sunday morning to serve, worship, and learn about God.

Now I dont go to church except on the breaks, and it is a more an obligatory thing. When once I had a second family and a network of true friends all I see now is the hypocrisy. Nobody was there for me when I needed them the most. Maybe I didnt tell anyone some of the stuff going on in my life, but few ever bothered to check. On top of that like I said all I see is hypocrisy and judgmentalism. How can some people walk in to be greeted by a warm host of loving and welcoming people, and others walk through only to be ignored if not judged and written off completely.

Maybe I need to find a new church, or maybe church is just not for me. There will be some interesting choices to be made upon graduation.

Anyway it's good to be home for a time. Merry Christmas peoples!!

back to job corp

2010-07-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

Tommorrow afternoon i go back to job corp. Being that I don't know when I'll be returning and it is impossible to blog on the job corp computers, I figured I better take advantage of this oppurtunity and let you know how it's going so far.

First of all I'm doing well academically. I already have my high school diploma and I had top scores on the placement tests so the only reason i go to academics is to sleep and read magazines while the teacher teaches the people who actually need to be there. This only until I get fulltime in my actual trade (every week instead of every other week) Meanwhile I am doing very well in trade, I've only been in the trade itself for roughly 2-3 months i am more than 1/4 finished, which my trade instructor seems astonished by. He basically said I'm doing well because I actually do as I'm told, I learn what I'm taught, and as he put it I don't "bull*** like some of these guys!"

Once I'm at 50% I can take drivers ed.

Socially, at this point, I couldn't care much less if I tried. I've already made two failed attempts to get involved with girls that in retrospect would've probably been negative relationships anyway. I do have a lot of good friends though, but I'm not trying to make new ones.
On the plus side one of my closer friends who was kicked out of Job Corp for stupid things like drugs, called me last night. I was hoping he would call and tell me he learned from his mistakes and turned his whole life upside down, and perhaps even got saved. Of course the real world is not so simple. But at least he is alive and as far as I know has not rejoined the "old gang" so praise the Lord!

For the most part I am pissed-off and generally annoyed with life, as always. But I am doing well, and I am newly focused on my goals. I hate the idea of going back to that wretched place, but as I said I am focused on my goals and ready to complete them. There is simply no pointing in wasting time. So I GUESS I am ready to go back.

Are they really out there?

2010-07-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i was watching my favorite show My name is Earl, about a guy who makes a list of all the bad things he's done and goes on wild adventures to make up for them.

One episode is about him buying a car for his little brother to make up for the fact that he always gave his little brother second best so to speak, saving the good things for himself, quite typical in a little brother relationship perhaps (though my little brother has everything better than me but thats a whole different story)

One example they used was a flashback scene where earl and his little bro met two girls at a bar. The one wanted someone to come back to her place and have some "fun" the other stubbornly declared that she was saving herself for marriage. Of course Earl took the one who was ready for sex for himself. And he gave the one saving herself for marriage to his poor, disappointed little brother. Really? I wanted the one saving herself for marriage, that's a huge turn on for me. (she was also physically more attractive but I'm sure that was a coincidence and a matter of opinion) It baffled me that the one ready to give up the goods was considered the "better" one, but I guess Im just old fashioned.

This brought the question to my mind: Do any of those girls still exist? Cause honestly I cant find one, unless of course they are already married, engaged or otherwise taken.

Where are those young abstinent girls? Where are you hiding? Is there one, just one out there for me?

Life is so frustrating sometimes...

I'm back (for the weekend)

2010-05-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

If you are wondering why i dont blog anymore it's cause while I am at job corp the only thing we can do on their computer is send emails. Blogs, myspace, facebook, and anything remotely fun is blocked. This is one of the many things my admissions counselor neglected to tell me before i signed up, but hey that bull*** someone will put up with for an education.

There is a lot of drama at job corp, and alot of rules, and in general just alot of pains in the @$$ there are also some cool things about it, you meet all kinds of people, most of them are nuts in one way or another. I've also done some things i'm not proud, but I also got a friend or two keepin me straight so i dont get in TOO much trouble. God has a way of providing, but nonetheless i've lost a lot of myself during this time. I am a totally different person. That's good and bad at the same time.

I've been there for over two months, but it feels like at least a year.

In any case i've learned to appreciate small things, even simple things like being able to listen to music outside the rap/rnb genre or being able to get on myspace without hacking or using a phone, or smoking a cigarette all to myself without someone asking for a "deuce" or a "Short" or just one "drag"

Still there are positive things about job corp too, like i said there are some cool people, and even some pretty girls. I just gotta figure out how to get wit one of them. dont really have much to say except im chillin at home and it's so nice!!!! I dont wanna go back on tuesday!

This is it

2010-03-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

I am all packed (in theory) and tommorrow morning i get on a bus to a bus station oddly enough, from which point i will take a bus to another bus station. I really am not sure how to blog this moment because i feel virtually no emotions. I don't feel excited like I did when initially accepted, and i don't feel the slightest bit nervous. I think my problem is simply that i have done so many ridiculous things in my life that the emotions that accompany such "Adventures" seem to have faded. It doesn't faze me anymore.

Admittedly i do feel a great deal of sadness, mostly for one friend that I will miss greatly. Of course I will miss my church and family, don't be silly, but not as much. I went to see him on saturday and I was grateful for the time, but it just didn't go how I'd hoped. We both seemed very distant and not really there at all. Saturday evening I cried my eyes out, overwhelmed by the emotions that accompany such departures from such close friends. Then I tried to reason it couldn't get much worse and began a movie on netflix. Within 5 minutes of the movie I began vomitting. I reasoned it could be the fact that I hadnt eaten anything all day, and for the twenty-four duration I had drunk no more than 1-1 1/2 glasses of water, but even as I gulped the water down I felt no better. From about 8:30 PM to 4:00 AM i vomitted once every hour. This combined with the "bowel problems" told me this was indeed the flu. Better saturday night then tuesday morning (when im scheduled to leave) eh?

I spent my sunday with some friends at a thai restaurant where i had some soothing green tea and a bowl of Tom Yum soup. This was in lieu of our original idea of going out for ice cream, which I felt to be too much of a risk in light of the previous night. I got to talk to my buddy on myspace one more time earlier tonight saying my final goodbyes.

Somehow I feel strangely void of emotions, any whatsoever. The only exception being a nagging and vague sadness and loss, which I am trying quite fervently to repress.

So this is goodbye, I am off to Job Corps.

Good News

2010-02-26T05:56:00.000-08:00

My blog is public and i deleted the private posts so if you didnt read them too bad, muhahahahaha!!

Anyways it is official. I am not only going to job corps but I am leaving in less than two weeks.

Also I entered a contest awhile back on whats called the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards. If my novel wins I will be awarded a $10,000 publishing contract and my book will go public, that could be pretty cool. Anyway the first round was judged and out of i guess thousands and thousands of entry in the young adult fiction category only one thousand moved on to the next round, and mine was one of them. We'll see if it makes the cut this time around...

Woohoo! Now if just one more good thing would happen this week i could be happy....

Where it Never Snows

2010-02-10T11:04:00.000-08:00

Looking out the window
All I see is blinding snow
Cold, dull, white misery
Everything reminds me of the past
Good times and bad in history
Reminding me, it wasn’t meant to last

In the cold, white, and foggy haze
I see a shining hope; a chance for better days
Every good man must do the right he knows
I feel the aching in my heart as it grows
Yet from here I see the place it never snows

In the storm I try to shield my ears from howling winds
I am deafened by cries of anger, and calls of pain
Discouraged I often wonder if all I did was vain
But then my eyes turn upward
The joy it comes and goes
But then I see the place it never snows

My eyes are often dry and weary
Heavy with bags beneath them
They squint against the blinding white
The vile blizzard falls upon me
I am forced upon my stronger knee
Heavy-laden with pain and sorrows
But then I breathe my last and it shines on me
I see the place it never snows…

Take me away my lord, my father
Do not leave me wondering why I bother
Take me to the place it never snows

A Dream Voyage

2010-01-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

This morning as I was struggling to wake up from my bed I found myself falling asleep kind of back and forth. I was just barely awake to know that I was dreaming the whole time, although i sometimes got confused and kind of went back and forth. Still this was probably one of the most vivid and interesting set of at least somewhat lucid dreams I've had. At one point I was even gasping and screaming (in the dream) because i couldnt believe how real it felt. Anyway it was so interesting I knew i couldnt afford to give up the experience/memory. So I wrote it down on the computer.

It turned out so interesting (or i thought so) that it seemed like if i could somehow harness these dreams, maybe, just maybe I could make it into a novel. I'm thinking about calling it something like Dream Voyages.

I'll give you the prologue, this is everything that happened last night, though i may have left out some details that only would've been fluff:

Prologue-Finding My Way Home
This morning I fell asleep shortly after awakening. First thing I find myself on the second floor of an old, worn down building. It’s dark outside and it’s raining. The wood around me is cracked and creaking with every step. I’m in the city, and a very poor part of it, I can tell. To my surprise I see my brother’s car just sitting on the floor. The car looks almost completely totaled. The roof is completely gone. The bumper and the hood are severely dented in, caving in and looking like they could fall off at any moment. The seating is much tighter and closer than usual, perhaps because the body is broken in. So I squeeze into the driver’s seat.
I drive the car out the nearest window. I am overwhelmed by the exhilaration. I can’t believe I’m driving a car, and on my own! I seem to be drifting in and out of awareness that this is actually a dream. I become nervous at times that I am driving without a license in the middle of a busy city, but remind myself it is not real. I can hear horns beeping, and I beep at them in return, though the horn seems to be almost peeling off of the broken down steering wheel. It is pouring down rain. I of course have no roof or windshield but for fun I turn the wipers on and laugh aloud as they fly back and forth, not even touching the falling drops of rain midair.
The roads are dark, twisting constantly, and very confusing. As I fear in real life I find myself going the wrong way down one-way streets. I barely avoid obstacles, such as parked cars on the road. Narrowly, I avoid accidents with every turn. I realize of course despite how sharp my turns are and how constant my breaking is, in real life I would already have been dead from the many collisions. My mind is the master of this world, however. The strength of my intent and my confidence in my ability to maintain control of the events in this place keep me afloat.
After a failed attempt at driving back into town where I live, I realize that for now I seem to be trapped in the city. I drive around a little more but decide to go to the house of a friend who lives here in waking life. I walk up long stone steps, and onto the path to the door. I’m about to knock, but to my surprise the door swings open for me without a touch.
“Come on in Mr. David,” the little girl’s voice calls through the hallways. I recognize her from waking life, of course, my best friend’s sister. I walk through the house. The entire building consists of white walls and hardwood floors. Everything else is a blur, however. The rooms are surprisingly well lit in stark contrast to the gloomy city outside. The house is built simply enough, but a certain warmth and joy bustle inside. There is life here.
My heart leaps for joy as my friend Tito greets me in the kitchen. I can see a blurry representation of him, but a realistic one nonetheless.
“Hi David!” he says.
I’m so excited that in spite of myself I cry out, “Give me a hug, man!”
He returns the embrace tightly and warmly. I tell him he is more than a friend to me, but more like a member of the family. “You’re my brother, man!” I say. “Right?”
“Yeah,” he answers. “You’re my brother, but also my master.”
“Are you real?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he answers with a hearty nod. “I’m Tito, but I’m also just a subconscious representation of him.”
“Just hug me!” I say, and he does for a moment.
“But when can I bow down to you?” he asks. He falls to his knees to prostrate himself, but I lift him up and force him back to the hug.
When I finally let him go, only for a moment, he vanishes without a trace. I look around frantically in every room. I know he is still in the house. I feel his presence and I hear a soft whispering echo of his voice. He is here like a ghost. I realize I wanted to tell him something.
“Call me! Call me tomorrow! Call me!” I cry frantically. “Do you understand me? Call me!” Perhaps deep down inside I entertain the idea that perhaps it was him and not merely a creation of my mind. Or perhaps I think that despite this fact the message will somehow carry over and transfer to his subconscious mind, causing him to do what I asked him to do. I am not a scientist or a mystic, but lie somewhere on the line between the believer and the skeptic. I cannot say for sure if my message will carry over in real life. I am too young and too new at this to truly know the power and purpose of dreams.
Now that he is gone I walk past his sister, silently watching the television, and leave without a word. On my way down the steep stone steps I see a taxi cab dropping someone off. I get in the vehicle to see who or what might be inside. Their mother has returned it seems, and with a couple of guests. The men are dressed in rich suits and hats, smoking cigars. They look just like the mobsters from the old movies. One of them is not only insulting her, but threatening her and intimidating her. She does not show her fear to them, but I can sense it. I begin yelling and cursing at the men in the cab, and spewing threats of my own. After that I help her out of the car and I send the low lives away. I assure her before I leave that I am with her and her family, and always on their side.
I attempt the drive home but the roads are as confusing as ever. In a dark alley I meet a small group of talking cats, all of which are shaking their heads at me gossiping about me. They say that I should not be driving, as I not only don’t have my license, but also am doing very poorly at it.
After several failed attempts to get home I finally agree with the cats back in the alley. It’s time for me to get out of the car and find another way home. I see cars flying by on a nearby highway. Knowing this is only a dream I am not only unafraid, but welcome the danger and excitement in what I’m going to do. I climb to the highway and watch the cars fly by; one-by-one they zoom past me. At last I summon the courage and I jump, only to miss the first car and fall on my face at the other side. I am not discouraged. I realize it is a matter of concentration, intent, and confidence, not in any physical abilities. On my second try I land on the roof over the car. It caves in slightly from the impact. The men inside jump, wondering what’s going on, but I pay them no heed. With precision and grace I balance myself on top of the car like a surfer on his board on the sea. When I grow weary I simply will myself into the car, and ride along like I would in a cab.
Home is surprisingly realistic. The long driveway with the small garage, the yard with the pool and the small playhouse in the back, and of course the imposing Victorian before me: they are all there. I walk up the steps to the porch, and open the door into the kitchen and step inside. Strangely, I find myself in the TV room rather than the kitchen. Some of my sisters are there, or blurry figures of them. Most clearly, however I see a girl. I forget her name, but she was there in waking life a week or so before. Her image shifts, however, and she becomes my sister’s friend Kyra. She seems to blink back and forth between the two looks. I ask her why I always get the two mixed up, without really thinking, but she offers no answer, only her familiar laugh and a smile.
For a moment I wonder what to do next. How can I care for this new world, which seems to be one of my creation? What can I do to take advantage of it? Should I find something to amuse myself, or something to be productive? Maybe I can better myself and my psyche, or even my spiritual well being by somehow bettering this world. Shivers roll down my spine as I think of what to do next. I know that I must search for enemies.
I try to decide how I might find one, but I realize their greatest tactic is deceit. An inner voice seems to tell me the story of a man who once faced an enemy in this world and failed. The demon tricked the man by asking him if he were righteous. The man answered yes, and in so doing sabotaged himself. In his folly, perhaps even in his pride, he was somehow destroyed and the demon was victorious over him.
I walked the dark, nighttime suburban neighborhood searching for some kind of evil. I wondered what it would even look like, how I would recognize it when I saw it. Would it be a man or a monster? Could I even see it at all if I tried? Then suddenly I saw a man, he looked like the same mobster I’d seen before in the cab, but I could not be sure. I was not concerned with him, however, but who was with him. He seemed frozen still in the night, but he carried a leash. He was walking a long, muscled black Doberman. The dog must have been twice the size of what one would be in real life. He barked and growled ferociously at me from the other side of the street. I knew this was the enemy I sought.
I ran without hesitation to the dog and he met me halfway in the middle of the street. I wrestled him to the ground. With his lean, muscled body he twisted and easily turned the tables, pinning me to the ground. He tried to bite me. I grabbed him by the snout and forced his mouth open. His head still squirmed and I tried to little avail to still him. With my free hand I punched him several times in the long snout, but it hardly seemed to faze him. He bit me several times on the hands and wrestled with the rest of me. At one point I realized it would be impossible to defeat him barehanded, I was a fool to try. I reached into my pocket, trying to keep his teeth away with the other hand. I pulled out the pocketknife, which seemed to be invisible but I knew it was there. I then swung my wrist and my iron grip the dog’s way. I stabbed him in the side, but I missed. Slowly my eyes fluttered open and I returned to my bed. It was all only a dream, but I knew it was more. It was a journey, the adventure of a lifetime, and one I hoped to continue the next night. For now it seemed, however, that I was not ready nor was I strong enough to defeat the dog that day…

what you think?

God works all things together for good

2010-01-19T14:32:00.000-08:00

Romans 8:28
...And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

On Friday I was supposed to go and see a friend of mine in the city. Needless to say without a driver's license it is quite a burden making it all the way out there. I usually take an early bus to avoid being late, since the buses are such a hassle, and end up staying in the city all day. From the bus stop I walk about a 45 minutes to where this guy lives. Since he was in school i couldnt go up there tilabout 3:30, or so he told me over the phone the previous sunday. If I was lucky i could be there as late as 7:00 and get to hang out a good amount of time, and since the buses stopped running I would have to either phone a friend last minute, or do what I usually do and get a cab, which is about $15 out of my pocket if i take the walk back downtown to the bus stop to save on fare. Still to spend time with a good friend like him is worth it, I figure. Thursday night I thought, I should call him to make sure were still meeting, but I said "Nah! He wont let me down, i just need to learn to trust people, and I already call those poor people all the time, they dont need to hear my voice again"

So i woke up bright and early and went downtown, I had a slize of pizza for lunch, and walked around for a few hours to see what beautiful sights downtown and uptown always have to offer, then headed over to his house, excited about the time we would have together. I come to his house and wouldnt you know it, he aint there! OF course not. I knew he would forget. Then I find out he is in an afterschool program, and wont be home to til 6:00 so there's no point in me sticking around to miss the last bus home just so he can show up and we hang out of what? 45 minutes, an hour at the most??

I went home very upset and disappointed. I tried to call at the time he would be home to figure out what happened. But he wasn't home! Nope he went to a party with a bunch of friends and wouldn't be home til midnight! Besides worrying about what a kid his age is doing at some wild party that goes til midnight, I am furious that not only did he ditch me the day we were supposed to hang out, but didn't even bother to call me to tell me what happened, and nor could I call home. I was furious and deeply hurt.

So much so that when saturday came I called off sick for work cause there was no way I could wave with a big fake smile on my face for 4 hours and pretend nothings wrong. Hey, i didnt lie, i really did feel sick to my stomach. I felt that I would vomit if I did not confront this problem head on. So I took a bus a second time that weekend and went to where he worked every saturday. I wasn't sure I'd get to see him, but I had to try. Sure enough he is right outside the barber shop.

As usually happens when I saw him I stopped being so mad, but I did inform I was indeed mad. He claimed to have lost my phone number because his mom deleted the call history in their phone, but that excuse wasnt good enough because I told him to memorize the number.

Anyway we talked it over and it was all good, and I actually spent the entire day hanging out with him while he worked in barber shop. From 11 til about 3:30, we just sat around while he occasionally got up to sweep, water plants, or do some other odd-job. He also called his grandma from my phone, for which she thanked me profusely.

While we were sitting around he mentioned to me that he found some computer game online while he was at school and it was two player. I said we could play it someday if he came over to my house again sometime. He said, "why dont i come after work? It's martin luter king day so i dont have school."
Holy crap we didnt plan that. He called his mom and she said she'd "think about it". As soon as he got off work and we got home she drove us back to my house. I should've called my mom to ask but you know, what can you do? She was in a suspiciously good mood when we got in so I held my breath and got ready for the smack in the face for no reason.

So we spent the weekend together and had a blast. And you see? If I had met him on friday like I was supposed to, I only would've gotten a couple of hours with him, instead i got a whole weekend!

Why I'm joining the Corps

2010-01-08T15:53:00.000-08:00

Yes you got it right I have decided to go from joining the U.S Navy to joining the Corps instead, it just seems like a better option. "What Corps do you mean? The Marine Corps? Oh my, David! Do you think you can handle it?"

No, not that the Marine Corps you are just being silly. "Oh you're joining the Peace Corps, well that's very admirable"
Nope not that either. Give up?

Ok I am enrolling in Job Corps, a program more or less for young adult deadbeats like me who dont know where else to turn. They train you in a trade for free, let you stay on a campus not too far from home, and you do get to come home about one month throughout the year, and at other random intervals if you want to figure out how to pay your own way. They also place you into a job once you successfully graduate. You know what else? They even have a driver's ed program, so if i cant get my you-know-what together by the time I leave they can help me out.

Why am i doing this? Dont i know it's less money, and i won't get to see the world? Well they can take their benefits rewards and promises and shove them! Maybe I'm just being rebellious against my parents, maybe I'm claiming the old scottish motto "Ye can't take me freedom!"

then again maybe i just want to be closer to home and have more time for the things and people that actually matter to me. Not only will i be closer to home and able to visit/call more, but the comittment is much shorter. Two years versus five years, big difference.

I've already done the research, even got a call from the GI Rights hotline just to make sure I'm right. DEP is not binding and those recruiters can take their contract and shove it as far up as it will go. I want nothing to do with them anymore!

they dont want me back

2009-12-18T10:57:00.000-08:00

This past wednessday was the last day of my temp assignment, i guess things are majorly slowing down so they dont really need as many people. I should've known it wouldnt be more than two weeks though, after all i actually liked the job so it couldnt have been more...whatever, now I am looking for a job again and well, like i said whatever...

they want me back

2009-12-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

Just got a call from my temp agency rep, apparently the people im working for have said i was doing such a good job this week that they'd like me to report back to work on monday. They actually want me back, how weird is that?

First day of work

2009-12-08T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have been out of work for i think about 6 months now so going back to work felt really weird and awkward at first. The job was really unlike any i've had before. i've always been a retail guy, wandering a sales floor trying to get everything out of a backroom overly stuffed onto a shelf while customers and supervisors pester you constantly. You have to know where everything, what everything is, and you have to do everything while keeping a positive attitude, smiling into the angry face of the customer.

This job all I did was stuff small containers or aleve into boxes, over and over, and over again. One would think such a monotonous job would grow tiresome after awhile, but i actually enjoyed it. I was working constantly and at a fast, but simple pace, so time flew. I didn't really have to talk to anyone or find my way around any kind facility. The work was not only grossly easy, it was actually semi-enjoyable finding ways to make the line move faster and more efficiently in my little private working space. I also did not have to talk to anyone. It seems to be the kind of job where you can do well if you work hard and mind your own business, two things i'm very good at. Unlike other jobs i've had where you have to get by, by kissing you know what all day. At the end of the day I feel like i actually accomplished something, even though it was something seemingly stupid. I never felt that way after a tiresome day of work before. It's pretty cool.

the job is only for this week unfortunately, through friday, but i understand there is an extremely slim possibility that may extend the time of your assignment if you do extremely well on the job.

Maybe it can be a plus that my line exceeded the quota by 400 tonight, who knows...?

How Stupid do they think I am?

2009-12-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

Well recently and quite sadly i had to sell my ipod through craigslist, i can always get another in the navy if i want to, but i will probably just settle for an mp3 player, I'm old fashioned that way. The truth is I just need the money now, so whatever I guess.

Anyway you meet quite a few creeps through craiglist, network marketters, nigerian con-artists, perverts. Luckily for me I am very educated when it comes to scams. One common one is fake checks and money orders, which are not only useless but can get you in legal trouble if the poor unsuspecting victim cashes them, they usually clear the bank but are discovered later and it gets ugly. Because of that when I deal with people too far away to meet in person I have a strict paypal only policy.

I found one of these scammers quite hilarious. Supposedly she is in Houston and was going to send me a money order to pay for the ipod. She gave me her phone number, and as is common they dont give you real phone numbers lest it should be traced back to them, instead Im not sure but i think they just use an automatic voicemail service. They then explain your calls always going to voicemail by saying because they're deaf they have a special phone for the hearing-impaired which transliterates your call into text and sends it to them in an email.

This is exactly what "Ana" told me. Now why was this hilarious to me? Let's see, why would a deaf woman want to buy an Ipod? A device designed for listening to music, think about it.

How stupid do these people think I am?

Best two hours of my life

2009-11-30T16:16:00.000-08:00

What did i do today?

Well today I woke up at 7:00 AM (very early for me) and caught the bus into the city, was there around 9:00 and wondered around aimlessly and in the rain unsure of what to really do until my "meeting" was supposed to occur at 1:00. The friend I was meeting called me around 9:30 and told me i need to come at 12:50 cuz i guess his mom was going somewhere or some such,no problem i said. So finally when i got sick of walking in the rain, which started coming down harder and harder i found a public library and just picked up random books and started reading.

When the rain stopped I continued walking around uptown with no real purpose. When it was time I headed down to what I thought was the house i was supposed to go to. Strangely the address absolutely did not exist! What the heck? Are you kidding me? I knew something would go wrong, and i was right, and people wonder why I am so negative. I'm always right aren't I?

On the verge of crying (not to mention dehydrated and disoriented) I dont even know where I was when suddenly this guy calls me across the street "Yo whats up man?" he asks.
"Watchu mean?" I ask in return.
"What are you looking for? You alright?"
"Yeah im just a little lost, seems the address this person gave me doesnt exist"
"What are you looking for man?"
"Well i was supposed to meet someone..."
"I got some stuff for you, man!"
"huh?"
"You know...drugs."
"Oh no thanks I'm good man."
"You sure, man? i got some good shit!"
"Oh no that's cool, I'm good."
"No look man, im the guy you called!"
"Umm no dont think so, bye!"

Anyway after that I continued my desperate search finally realizing i must've heard the address wrong, but he must've been somewhere on this street. Then I remember he said he lives close to where he used to live on so-and-so street so i go there, and i say, "Oh this is close to watchamacallit street, so he must be at Anonymous St. but close to watchamacallit street." And sure enough I see his sister there and she runs up and gives me little hug, then he comes out and runs up and gives me a huge hug.

So after five hours of searching i finally found my destination and waited for the mom to come back and went inside. hung out from 2:00 to 4:00 and then i had to run out to catch the last 5:00 bus back into my town. got home by six

So out of those 9 hours one of them was the worst hour of my life, and two were the best hours of my life.

Totally worth it...

Life is Pain

2009-11-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

Helplessly I watch as the winds of time pass me by
They carry with them all my dreams
And the dust of my being as they fly
I close my eyes the tears trapped inside
Alone I stand, waiting, as the winds subside
Then nothing left; all hope has gone

I hear a whisper in the night
It keeps me wide awake
“Nothing,” it says, “Is as it seems
My son, you’ve nothing left but broken dreams.”

Alone I stand
Reaching out a trembling hand
“Where have all my loved ones gone?” I ask to no avail
So hard I’ve fought, but in the end I fail

Slowly my eyes flutter open and I awaken
I feel alone, shattered and forsaken
They will all go on without me and I without them, only knowing loss
Await the day I’m healed by the loving savior, no longer on the cross

Til then I mourn and wonder
Until I’m taken quicker than the sound of thunder
Knowing only loss, I understand the teaching now:
“To die in Christ is gain…”
Because life on earth is nothing more than pain.

The Car I wish I could Drive for my Road Test

2009-11-02T23:54:00.000-08:00

I wish I could use this for thursday, it would make parallel parking so much less stressful...

the holy quran

2009-10-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

So I have been reading the quran lately because I realie the value of knowing more of other faiths and cultures. 9/10 times for me studying other beliefs only serves to strengthen my faith. Some Muslim told me if i want to understand Islam I have to read the whole quran in context and so forth, so I took him up on the challenge.

I heard another Muslim say that if anyone will read the first 5 surahs (chapter) in order then guaranteed he will submit(become a Muslim), well i've gotten to the 14th and I only realize more than ever why Jesus Christ is most definitely lord and Muhammad was not a prophet (peace be upon him and respect to any muslims brothers or sisters). The more i read the stronger my faith in christ becomes. Anyway here is a video i posted on youtube to share some of my experiences on this exciting Quranic journey:

Please let me know what you think and if you have a youtube a rating would go a long way.

Also the song in the video is called Intrigue, and is mixed by yours truly.

nothing lasts forever

2009-09-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today I made the difficult decision after i think more than two beautiful years to cancel my sponsorship of Michael at Metro Ministries. I guess it will be the last time i visit that place and i can finally put it behind me. All in all I just had to realize he deserves a better sponsor than me, someone who can actually afford to make the payments, and buy him gifts for his birthday and christmas this year, it's not fair to him to come faithfully to sunday school and have a deadbeat like me. I hope he will have someone he can better relate to as well. It's been obvious for the past year or so that i dont mean nearly as much to him as he did to me. So maybe i will be a little heartbroken for a little while but what the hell else is new right? Who really cares?

The point being nothing lasts forever, you have to make the most of what you have while you still have, before it goes away and gets taken away from you. I cant even hold back the tears as I write this. I should've known it wouldn't last. Just like my crummy novel that will never be anything of significance, and just like my teaches, sometimes you just can't fight destiny, and some of us are destined for unhappiness.

I wish i could say more...

Goodbye Michael, I will miss you more than you can imagine, and even though you'll never read this I hope you will know that, Im sorry to have failed you like i've failed everyone and everything else...

I'm Different

2009-09-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

Just a little rant I guess about my personality and my wiring...

The fact of the matter is I am realizing the older I get how I am just plain flat out different from other people. I don't "get" very many people, only a select few, and the feeling is usually mutual. What few real friendships I've ever had are never meant to last, they always end up leaving. Most people tend to accept this and move on and make new friends, not me.

Most people enjoy the company of people in general, not me. Most people like making new friends, not me. Most young adults love a good adventure, not me.

Most people end up eventually finding a place they belong, not me. Most people make the best of their circumstances and eventually settle for what fate has freely given them. Not me.

Most people enjoy being part of a team. Not me. Most people want to be part of something bigger than themselves. Not me.

Let's stop there. Most people want to feel like part of something bigger, something greater. I actually find myself quite depressed and unsatisfied in such a situation. Being part of something bigger than yourself is part of life, since we are quite small in a large universe, I hate it. I feel quite the opposite, perhaps I feel the need to be part of something smaller or of equal size to myself. What I mean is I do not derive joy fom being part of something bigger, but rather in being a significant part of the life of an individual other than myself. More recently I have found this true with kids. You don't find them in the Navy.

Nonetheless I have made a bed, which I will sleep in, but I will sleep in it alone, as Fate has decreed. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I am destined for a life of loneliness and despair, and will never truly know the joy of fulfilling my true purpose in life.

The point being I am different. I do not react to situations the same way as everyone else, I do handle my emotions the same way as everyone else. The fact is I am not everyone else, I am different. Some people have a hard time accepting that...

Forgiveness is a Virtue

2009-08-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

The certain someone who purposely destroyed my laptop yesterday came up to me this afternoon and apologized, and quite sincerely. I figured someone must've told her to, but apparently not. After that she hugged me and then gave me a second hug, the second one was for hitting me.

It might be stupid but I forgive her. Doesnt mean i trust and don't continue to keep her at a distance, considering the issues we have, but I forgive. First of all to forgive is Christian. To forgive even arguably insincere people, is to forgive as we have been forgiven. Secondly that laptop was anyday now anyway, i was going to get a new one when i got into the navy, though it would've been nice to have one while waiting to ship. Oh well.

Also because stuff isn't as important to me as people. My laptop never made me happy, but relationships with others have, and luckily after a nice phone call today I know I still at least have that to help me while I cope with all these other things I hate about my life...

A tribute to an old friend...

2009-08-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

My dear, dear friend. You never hurt anyone. You were faithful and true until the end. Sometimes you ran slowly, sometimes I had to do system restores on you. When your screen broke my heart broke with it, I thought we were finished, but I found a way to save you.

You were infested with spyware and proably had some viruses too.

You kept my pictures, and my music, and my word documents, all in one place, in an order of my choosing. You helped me blog and send emails, and facebook. I played games on you. You gave and you gave and never complained (except when i turned you off wrong)

I spent more time with you than any of my other friends. You were my world.

But then you were taken from me, by a senseless act of violence; an act of revenge. You were brutally murdered (by someone who shall remain nameless) and you died a terrible death by kool-aid, I dont know if there is any hope to bring you back now, but I miss you and I love you. I will get a new computer when I'm in the Navy and have money, but no matter how cool it is, you will always be my first laptop.

I love you Nightshale, I will never forget you...

Don't know what to Post

2009-08-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in awhile, as you may have noticed. This is for two reason:
1. my life is boring
2. I have nothing nice to say

There's really nothing going on I haven't told you that I can blog. They say if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all, I've really been trying not to do that, but sometimes when you bottle up the emotions for too long it overflows. Ok maybe thats just me.

I am also not very spiritual lately. When I was in New York contrary to what I thought would happen, I fell even further from being "spiritual". Oh I prayed more than i ever did before, but it was not what you would call spiritual. It was selfish prayer, "Oh please help me, please get me a job, please don't let me be homeless" and it only got worse when the prayer remained unanswered. More and more I had to realize that I am on my own. Maybe God doesn't want us depend on Him that much, that's the only explanation I have. Either way I have learned a very unspiritual practice of living and getting back to the old ways seems pointless if even possible.

If anyone thought life get better when I came home they were wrong. I went to New York to get away from everything here, and here I am back where I started. Nothing's really changed, at least not for the better. Maybe things will get better when I'm in the Navy. Such thinking is also delusional, in the Navy I will be completely and utterly alone. I will have a job and money, that will be nice, but what I really want will still be here in Pennsylvania, at least I hope it will remain here.

In either case nothing exciting is going on, nothing great has happened, and all that rages inside me is an array of negative emotions, so all in all I don't know what to post...

All I Ask

2009-07-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the mountains I find a friend
And somewhere there a stone gathers moss
Reminding me of impending end
And in my heart wells the pain of loss

Many years bring many tears
But then I find a friend
Soon after it returns though, a painful trend
The joy is swept away by Father Time
Then I dig through dirt and grime
To find what was but is no more

I try to steal it back from fate
I fight the gods themselves
But their power proves too great

An endless journey yields nothing
In the end I fail my face grows pale
I fall upon my dying knees
But one request I make
“Just a little more time with a friend if you please…”

It's official...well sort of...

2009-07-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

The last two days have been by far the longest of my life. On tuesday I woke up at 4:00 in the morning ate breakfast and got on a bus with other recruits to our MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) There I got my pee tested, my hearing and vision checked, my blood taken, and finally stripped down to my underwear in front of a bunch of much more muscular guys where we watched the tour de france on the tv (not ironic at all) while we waited for a doctor to poke us in strange places and ask a bunch of questions. We also got our height and weight checked, lucky for me the Navy is the only branch with no minimum weight requirement so being 5'8" and 109 pounds didn't hurt me much.

Then after we saw the doctor we stood in a line and did these ridiculous excersize like squatting and walking on our heels.

This process was done around 12:00 PM or so, most of the time was spent waiting.

Afterward I sat in a room for hours, and hours, not really even knowing what I was waiting for. I got to see lots of episodes of CSI, which i never want to see again. Due to paperwork complications I was finally sent home at 4:00 PM, making a 12 hour work day.

Yesterday I finally came back and took a language aptitude test, which i failed by six points but will retake in a month. Then i waited some more until i did more paperwork, and finally "swore-in" making me "official"

"Officially" I will be a construction electrician and wont leave until july of 2010, unofficially i am trying to still either get the linguist job or pick another job and try to leave much sooner. We won't officially know for another 30 days or so, but I am definitely in the Navy so we know that...

What I am doing...

2009-07-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

Even though most of you who read this blog probably know already, I am going to make this my official announcement. Sadly, New York City was not very good to me. I just about went broke when i decided it was about time to finally just give up and leave. The city will still be there when i get back of course, but there will be no point returning because chances are the people I care about there may or may not be, and that's the only reason i returned in the first place.

This was an irrational decision, one made in a very emotional time based on feelings I didn't and still don't understand. Namely feelings for people who I am coming to find don't and didn't care nearly as much as me. It seemed to me that it meant alot more to me that I was there than it did to the person(s) I felt like I was doing a favor. On top of that I honestly feel that I was directly disobeying God by going to NYC instead of Palestine, now I will have to learn the hard way instead of the easy way.

I have also found in my soul-searching sojourn in New York that what I really want most from my life is to give. Of my time, of my love, and yes of my finances. I saw so many desperate and hurting people in New York and there was always that desire to do even a small thing to help them, but there was nothing I could do.

As I stayed there I found myself being constantly blessed and reached out to by people I wanted to be a blessing to; people I wanted to help who were instead helping me. I am grateful and know they will be blessed for their giving, but it just didn't feel right. I want to strive to be a blessing to others, but as I have found I cannot give what I do not have.

A starving man can only feed himself...

One day in New York I was having a good conversation with my landlord, Lavell, he asked me how that the jobsearch was going. I explained to him that I was working at Sears he asked how that was going. It was minimum wage, part-time, no benefits, no advancement oppurtunities. I wasn't even getting the hours I needed to survive, it was a deadend job. He looked me in the eyes after a moment of silence, shaking his head. He said, "You're too smart for that, man, you're too smart for that..."

That's when I made my decision. I knew I couldn't live like this anymore, just struggling, just getting by, and doing nothing to better myself or to help others. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I have to be all that God wants me to be and use everything He gave me to the fullest.

No one and nothing else will give me the oppurtunity that I need and deserve. So I have made my decision, this time no turning back. Some of you might know already, but I am enlisting in the United States Navy.

It almost feels like Destiny...

Thinking

2009-06-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

So I am thinking about doing something that well...I have thought about before but not seriously. Now that I am in New York away from everything I've known and know desperation like i never have before...I don't know, but maybe this was my way of removing all the excuses, and maybe logic is finally taking the lead over my idealistic rubbish. All I know is i cannot continue going the way I am going now, I can't live like this anymore.

So I am thinking...what do YOU think?

I was where?

2009-06-29T09:21:00.001-07:00

New Jersey, what an adventure.

When i got my old, old check on saturday from my mom I was so happy, i cant believe it would turn up at a time like this. $150 just when i needed it.

i tried to cash it at the local western union and they told me it is too old, i said i have 90 days to cash this check i still have 3 or 4 days left, she said that's only to deposit it in your personal checking account, but it is too old for them to cash.

Whatever i will find a pnc and make the deposit then. The closest pnc bank to me is in Jersey City, NJ, no way to get there right? Wrong, there is whats called a PATH train which goes back and forth from NYC to select parts of NJ all the time. Just when I think this city cant get any crazier i am proven wrong.

So i went all the way to New Jersey just to deposit a stupid check, but i guess it was worth it $3.50 for a round trip to jersey city to deposit a $158 check at a bank they should really a build a branch of in NYC...

spoke too soon

2009-06-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

This week i was supposed to get 21 hours which was less than the last pay period, but i would've broken even this week. They called me today and said dont come in tommorrow, so 8 less hours for me. I'm gonna go google for homeless shelters in New York.

ITS ENOUGH!!!!!

2009-06-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

I got my first paycheck in the mail today from Sears, and when i opened it i held my breath, i was not expecting much, but Gracias A Dios (thank god) it's enough!! $160 dollars, can you believe, that's enough to pay my rent, groceries, and maybe splurge a little on a haircut this weekend! Thank you God for your provision!

Stay tuned for next week...(suspenseful music playing)

Weird Day

2009-06-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, yesterday was a very, very weird day, like a twilight zone kind of thing, well maybe not quite. Anyway first thing I woke up and hit the atm machine to deal one more fatal wound to my bank account (rent is paid weekly and in cash you see) I hit those things up every Thursday and it’s always more painful. I can hope and pray Sears will put a little band aid on for me but I am doubtful. After that I bought some bananas, groceries are insanely expensive here, wherever I go the bananas are consistently 79 cents a pound, wow! I’ve tried shopping around, but no luck there.

Anyway when I got back I reached my hand in my pocket and there was no key, oh boy, I check all four pockets but no key. I knew I left them, I guess my brain said, “Oh I won’t be long, no need to unlock the door when I have to come back in.” So I had to call my landlord to see if he could let me in when I paid my rent, but he had to go to his mother’s or something so I had to wait, finally a fellow tenant let me and I called my landlord and told him it’s cool I’ll leave the “stuff” in it’s “place” again, as we do when I am out all day Thursdays.

Anyway after that I went to the library and of course hit the net for awhile. When I finished up there I checked out their dvd section, I have already watched Click, which was quite enjoyable. Then I saw a DVD that said Tales From the Brothers Grimm, “Oh cool!” I said, grabbing the dvd and not looking closely at the cover. “I’ve never seen the Brothers Grimm Movie that came out not too long ago before…”

Ok so after that I took my books, which I ordered from lulu.com, yes with the intent of literally selling them in the streets, I know I am crazy and stupid, I don’t care what you think of me anymore, haha just kidding.

Anyway instead I wandered around Canal Street (close to Chinatown) and tried to find the perfect place to start business, of course I wasn’t really looking for perfect place, I was just wandering around nervously and chickening out, it is very awkward after all. I never found the perfect place so instead I went back to the subway station and went to Chambers st, where I got out again and searched for my “perfect place” it seemed like large crowds were always moving ahead of me (probably cause I wasn’t looking at the crowds behind me) and it was still too awkward. So finally I went back to the subway station one more time and headed for 34th street because it’s more crowded there anyway. I once more looked around for the perfect place and felt too awkward to do anything, when suddenly some unknown instinct kicked in. I found a place on the sidewalk stood awkwardly for a minute and slowly took the book out of my bag, hands trembling I started to lift it up just a little so people could peek. Then I held it all the way up, I could get into this. People started looking. Then finally I started shouting.

I did so for about an hour and a half getting some headshakes, some interested looks, and a few good laughs, but no sales. The nice thing about NYC for this kind of activity is people don’t think you’re a freak for selling stuff, they expect you to, it’s just a cool part of the culture. Still they also have lots of better choices than you.

I did get a kid come up and actually ask me about my book and what it was, maybe 11 or so, geeze I guess I’m writing for the wrong age group.

Anyway the crowds started to die down around 8:30 and honestly my arms were tired from holding two books in the air for an hour and a half, and my legs were sick of standing, and my voice was going. So I headed for the subway station and called it a day, no sales, but at least I did have the courage do something I could never see myself doing of my own initiative before. It was a little risky though cause I don’t have my tax ID yet but I just kept my eyes open for cops is all…

As exhausted as I was I decided it was time to go home and watch my modern, exciting movie The Brothers Grimm. Turns out that’s not what I got, after all why would someone donate something cool like that to a ghetto library?

Instead it was some cheesy 1980’s low budget collection of little reenacted fairy tales, had I read the whole cover on the DVD I would have seen the Shelly Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre bit and saw that it was actually just a corny collection of faerie tales that resembled the times of the Wizard of Oz and would not have checked it out thinking it was the cutting edge movie The Brothers Grimm, but oh well…perfect end to a perfect day. Then I showered if you must know…

Torn...

2009-06-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

On sunday I snuck over to you-know-who's for a very short time, we just needed to talk things out, we had a very special conversation which ended in both of us crying, but i will not go into details. I am very happy to be here and especially to be closer to a friend.

Still I remain torn. Last night I had this dream that i was visiting my home in PA again. We returned to our church where while i was in the service i "sensed" one of the kids i used to know crying. When i rushed downstairs sure enough there he was on the floor weeping. I helped him to his feet and tried to comfort him with a simple, long, tight hug.

When my brother came down and saw me he shook his head and laughed, "Whatever happened to your sponsor kid?" he asked.
I scoffed at him, "I have enough love and room for both, Noah, don't worry!"

When I woke up however, I realized that he was right, for here I was...

It seems with every choice there is a consequence, and with every gain a loss. We refer to this in economics as the "oppurtunity cost"

And here I am torn...

Nice Kids

2009-06-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

On my way to the library just now i was in the subway station getting the next train. As I was walking down the stairs to the next platform i noticed three teenage boys looking down and hanging their heads over the edge. Seemed rather strange. I decided when i go downstairs i will stay on the other as much as possible and walk very quickly.

My suspicions were confirmed when i heard the sound of a person spitting behind me and i decided not to look back.

Nice kids, so glad they could get off school today, way to go New York publich school system.

Bunch of bajos!

The Entrepeneurial Spirit of New York

2009-06-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

One of the things that facinates me about this city is the entrepenurial spirit of these people. Whenever I am sitting on the subway or anywhere in a crowded area i can see people doing one of a million things to solicit money from people. People sing, people dance, they sell candy, they hand out poems for small donations, they sell churros, they sell bootleg movies, anything you can think of. One could be rather annoyed with them or facinated with them, but one has to first consider that these people are doing what they see as necessary to survive.

I also notice that anywhere I go the streets are flooded with small businesses, whether cornerstores, little booths, or even carts that run all over the place.

While it seems cheezy at times, sometimes i admire the spirit and the guts these people have. Lately I have been wondering if I could not have a piece of the same spirit. Could it be that i came here to this place because I am one of them? I cannot help but think that while I survive, maybe here in this place is a way somehow to pursue my dreams on the side.

I also think I am getting older, I know 22 doesn't seem like much to some of you, but when i take my life expectancy into consideration I know I am running out of time. Now is the time to build my fortune, and use the gifts God gave me, and establish myself as a productive member of society. Now the time has come. Or will I let Destiny determine my course and blend in with the masses, and stay where I am?

Only time will tell...

Walgreens?

2009-06-01T11:46:00.001-07:00

Yeah walgreens called me today and they want me to interview tommorrow morning at 11:30, it is for an overnight position, which believe it or not is ideal for me, you see that means i work at night when everyone is asleep and i can just deprive myself of sleep to make times for the things i love and need, like church for example, whereas sears sucks away my time and gives me little in return. It also means i will not only work in Brooklyn but on Broadway, my favorite street, very close to the metro church, this could be my real answer to prayer. Please pray that it happens.

wow today is june

2009-06-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how fast time is going. The more I am in the city the more i can feel that i belong here and made the right choice, then we will see how i feel when i start my "job", im sure it will be wonderful assuming they give me my rightful 29 hours but again we'll see.

On saturday seeing as i still had one free weekend left i decided to ride the bus for Yogi Bear Sunday school again, unfortunately my buddy did not come out. The bus captain asked if i want to knock on the door and see if he will come. When he came to the door i guessed by the fact that he was stil in his pajamas that he was in fact not coming.

"I can't come today!" he whined pitifully. "I'm sorry, I can't come, I'm really sorry!" the big puffy eyes made it hard not to forgive him so i guess I could.
"That's ok buddy, can i come over later today?"
"Yeah," he said. "I'm really sorry."

So I ran back on the bus slightly disappointed but not really in any kind of pain, it's obviously not a big deal since i live here now. When the bus got back to the church i told them I just am going home and that was fine. Then I went to the library after lunch and afterwards went to see my buddy. We spent the first half hour or so watching the power rangers, a show which still baffles me that it is still airing, and even more so how much it has changed over the years adapting to the flow of the river of time. Afterwards we just did some channel surfing back and forth through both the Spanish and English channels variously available on their tv.
Then of course they had to feed me, they always have to feed me. my sponsor kid told me i have to eat "Mucho pollo" because I am too skinny. So I did, estuve muy sabroso.

Eventually I looked at the clock and was shocked to see i'd been there for almost four hours, wow, oops. So i decided i better go home and take a shower. All in all, a fun day.

Now today i have to go and take a drug test, you know because the minimum wage job i've been hired for is so high class and so important that they have to make sure their employees are clean. Somehow i dont think i will have any problem passing...

Ok now i can talk about it

2009-05-30T08:27:00.001-07:00

Pretty interesting story really. The other day I conveniently lost the phone number I was supposed to call to take the Riteaid assessment, I was so frustrated but I knew there was nothing I could do as always but keep going. So I hit the internet café since the library was already closed, and continued the job search through cyberspace. I happened to find a job available at a Sears all the way in Queens, unfortunately it was the only store I could find hiring for cashier, which is the position I did a search on. The commute is about an hour and a half, but if it is all I can find in my desperation then it is all I can find…I could always move to Queens but I hate Queens. It is basically just a snobby uppity version of Brooklyn, very bland really.

Anyway the website allowed me to schedule my own interview, as opposed to waiting for a phone call, which was cool because I was confident that if I could get to the interview process I could land a job, just never got that far.

Fast forward to the next day I take the hour and a half train ride to Queens, and because of my obsessive personality I arrive an hour early, so I walk around queens for an hour and even indulge in a restaurant meal at Subway (bad, David, bad!) I finally get to the interview on time for my 12:30 appointment. I wait about half an hour in the HR office before they finally tell us, “You guys are going to have to come back at 2:30 or so because nobody is here to interview you right now…”
I gave her my puppy dog eyes and used my sweet voice asking, “Nobody at will be here til 2:30?”
“Well I could keep calling if you want to wait, but I’m not sure…”
“I will wait cause I came here from Brooklyn for the interview.”
“Oh wow, ok I’ll try…”

At about 1:30 PM I finally get my interview, which as expected consists mostly of ridiculous questions most people probably make up answers out of their butts to answers, and in the end I finally pass. Now that I have passed the first interview the lady informs me I will have to do a second interview with her supervisor and then a decision will be made. 2:00 comes and the HR lady tells me everyone is in a meeting so I should come back tomorrow (why didn’t I listen?) I told her I am willing to wait, I came here today through an hour and half train ride so I could know if I have a job or not. “Ok well maybe you could get a bite to eat or something and come back in an hour and a half.”
Ok. So I walk around Queens for another hour and a half or so and finally come back. Apparently their meeting was finished but now they are having a “second meeting” just like my “second interview”. So I will have to come back tomorrow. Well gosh golly, isn’t that grand?

So I left at 9:00 this morning or so and only got into queens half an hour early for my 11:00 appointment, so I guess I am getting the hang of this. I come at 11:00 wait half an hour or so (wonder what would happen if I was late for MY appointment) and finally have the second interview. Half way through I am thoroughly sure by Hector’s face that I am not going to get the job, but sure enough he concludes saying, “Ok I want to give you the opportunity to work for me…”
So they give me an hour’s worth of paperwork and once I take the drug test on Monday I will have a part-time, minimum wage job. Wow! What a process!

I think the worst part of it was how helpless I was, they could do whatever they wanted to me and there’s not a cursed thing I can do about it. Before the first interview the first thing they asked me is “Are you available on Sundays?” Could I say no? Of course not. The recessions gives these evil people to do whatever they want. When the young lady I overheard today waiting for her first interview, said no because of religious service they made her sorry. She finally relented saying she would make other arrangements and come in on Sundays, evil SOBs.

So that was the last two days, I guess this is my enthusiastic way of announces I have a job. Woo! I went from being unemployed to underemployed, moving on up!

I had a bad day today

2009-05-28T14:19:00.001-07:00

and i dont want to talk about it...so im not sure why i even posted this

My Book is on Amazon

2009-05-27T07:41:00.000-07:00

Hey people you might remember i recently published a novel on lulu.com, well i got an email saying that it is now available on amazon, i was sure it was a scam or something but check it out

http://www.amazon.com/First-Free-King-north/dp/B002AD9BWI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1243435236&sr=1-1

Once i can hold down a steady job I might set up some promotional efforts, being in the perfect city to start a writing career. Isn't that cool?

A Day Without The Internet

2009-05-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

Yep apparently on memorial the library is closed, AND so is the internet café, so I got to spend yesterday without the internet. This of course was very frustrating because the internet is an invaluable tool in my job search, and 75% of the places I end up going for applications always tell me “Oh you have to apply online…” Well thank you very bloody much. You see Mondays apparently are not bad enough, so they invented a bunch of stupid holidays to close all the most convenient locations (libraries, banks, internet cafes, extremely important vital government offices, and in the near future maybe the 911 operators will get a well-deserved vacation)

So yes I spent a day without the internet. I did turn in one application to rite aid, which is the first glimmer of hope I have seen for awhile. The manager, unlike the other guys who only TOOK the application actually gave me a phone number where I have to take some online assessment, unfortunately my cell phone is low on minutes, and roaming charges always apply to tracfones in NYC (not because of the area code or location but because of the heavy volume of calls in the area) and guess where I prefer to buy my airtime? Online. Even better, the cheapest way to do it is with skype, but what kind of program is skype? An online program, right? One I would have to use in the library which is closed until 1:00 pm tomorrow. What kind of hours are those in away?? 10:00 am to 6:00 pm on Monday and 1:00-6:00 on Tuesdays? Then 9:00 to 5:00 on Wednesdays and 1:00-6:00 again on Thursdays? I could go on but I will not.

So what did I do without the internet? Well after a quick cursing fit I started to think about the two things always on my mind, my financial situation and of course my sponsor kid. I couldn’t help but notice on Saturday (and on my visit before I lived here) that the shoes on his feet are way too small and the way he has to squeeze them in, and unlace and relace them every time he puts them on or takes them off, as much as I need to be careful of my spending I had to find a way to get him some new shoes, not negotiable, needs to be done. Then I realized something, I have stocks! If I get on Etrade tomorrow, sell them and redeposit my money into the bank I will have enough extra to buy him shoes. Then when and if my brother finds my Ipod they can mail it to me and I will pawn it. I am a survivor dang it! If get desperate (shudder to think) maybe the laptop could go too, but let’s not let it come to that.

Anyway so I took the train down to a Payless on Broadway and bought him a pair of shoes, then I cheated again and went to their house, since this is bloody miserable Memorial Day I might as well take advantage of the kids being out of school. Sure enough the kids were standing outside doing some household chores, and who would greet me first but my little buddy? Then the littlest one ran inside and exclaimed “mama’ el sponsor de Michael aqui’” it was quite adorable. Then I gave Michael the shoes and his face lit up, he was so happy. The mother invited me in and we talked for maybe half an hour or so, and they even gave me a Twix ice cream bar from the store.

After that I left and the mother informed I can come over “anytime” it was nice to hear since I felt very dirty and intrusive for coming a second time this week, especially since she was lying on the couch very sick with fever, I felt bad.

Anyway I spent the rest of my day just wandering aimlessly around Brooklyn like I usually do, and got absolutely nothing done, like I usually do.

I have to say many positive things though, I saved money on shipping by giving the shoes directly to my sponsor kid and skipping the middleman, but more importantly the look in his eyes when he said “thank you” will always mean more to many than any thank you note ever did, and even more so the time I got to spend not just with him but with la familia.

A lesson well-learned, and a day well-spent I think…

I Spoke Spanish

2009-05-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

Today I got to see my sponsor kid on the bus as planned, and now I am back to the job-hunt. The bus ride felt very strange, I expected him to be more surprised by the fact that i not only came for another visit but actually lived in his city, but he was very nonchalant, as if it didn't matter either way. I guess I expected a little more excitement, so it was disappointing...

Later on I cheated and went to his house after Sunday School, I probably would not have summoned the courage to knock on the door but I did not have too because his mother was outside and recognized me right away. (I was also being followed by a small group of kids, it was cute though slightly annoying)

Anyway I basically just wanted to finally be able to thank her in person, you know for the time I spend with her child and letting be his sponsor, etc.. Usually when I am with the bus captain like on visitation everything is so rushed and awkward that i dont really get a chance to talk and relax enough to think of the words. I started to talk but she couldn't understand, of course, so instead of allowing her daughter to translate for me I decided to tell her what I needed to in my rough Spanish, I still missed one or two words so it was good she was there. After that we continued to have a brief conversation in Spanglish more or less. It was the coolest feeling in the world. I got to meet some of the family and finally parted, it was very pleasant.

Now back to looking for work...

Finding My Way Around the Metro

2009-05-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

Ok I am writing this on Friday night may 22, but by the time I get it online on it will be either Saturday the 23rd, or Monday the 24th just to clear up any confusion, I can no longer blog in real time due to limitations of the library’s schedule…
So…

Today I felt so good; I made a major accomplishment, I actually gave someone directions on the railway.
“Is this the train going to Manhattan?” She asked me.
“Oh no, you gotta get the Manhattan bound train on the other side…”
“Oh but I can take this train to Broad St. and catch an A train from there right?”
“You mean the Broadway Junction right?”
“Yeah Broadway Junction…”
“Yeah, yeah, you can get an A Train from there…”
“Ok…”

I felt so good for once to not be the one asking for directions. Not only that but I remembered just weeks earlier when I was terrified by the prospect of taking the rails alone. Back in the day if you asked me about the “A” train and the “C” train, and the “J” train, and how to get to the Broadway Junction, I would have given you a blank stare. Had you used those terms in giving me directions while I was lost, I simply would’ve cried. Wow, I am becoming a New Yorker!

Later that day I was walking down my street, just exploring the new neighborhood you know, and suddenly I found that my street eventually intersected another street that looked strangely familiar. I turned on this street and I could see why it looked familiar. Apparently I am no more than six blocks from a certain housing project, which used to be one of my Sidewalk Sunday School sights when I was an intern at Metro. How weird is that?? And today being Friday it was in fact the day of that sidewalk sight, so there I saw the Yogi Bear truck being set up in the distance. Wow! I figured I was done doing job-searching for the day, I’ve applied at K-mart, target, another Subway (sandwiches not rails) shop, and of course another Starbucks (lots of those in NYC are hiring)

Anyway I decided to go and say hi to some of the old team. They were needless to say surprised to see me since we missed each other on Sunday they didn’t know I lived here, and neither of us knew I lived so close to the sight. So I had to explain that whole story again. They asked me if I wanted to stay and help out or if I was busy, I said of course I will stay nothing would thrill me more. We all found it hilarious and so strange that I lived in this area now, except the young teen worker who kept saying, “I don’t get the joke…” Oh Alexis!

Oh yeah and this past Wednesday night I ran into one of the volunteers on my sponsor kid’s bus, also surprised and excited to see me, he immediately rushed me over to the bus captain, the look on his face was priceless. He immediately insisted I ride the bus with him this Saturday so I can see Michael, which I fully intend to tomorrow morning.
On Thursday I actually went by myself to his neighborhood and walked by his house, isn’t that weird? I can go to his house anytime I want! But I will try to continue and respect the rules and terms of my sponsorship, of course.

I think it’s so wonderful how I am finding my way around the city lately, if only I could find my way into a job! But anyway NYC is wonderful and I’ve grown so much. The best part though is how the people at Metro have welcomed me back into their fold so to speak. They have thus far made my life here extremely pleasant. I am extremely discouraged and weighed down by this unemployment situation, and my chances or surviving are slim, but I have a good church and a great group of people to be with. That helps. I also felt useful and appreciated on sidewalk today. It was a wonderful feeling, almost as if I had a purpose today.

Tomorrow lord willing I will see Michael that would bring me great joy and major motivation to start getting things done. I ask that you all pray for me, but don’t worry. I am closer to God than I have been in a long time. I am thinking perhaps I am in the right place, perhaps God is using my mistake for His glory, for he works all things together for good for those of us who love Him and are called according to His purpose, yes?

The lord bless and keep you all.

I think they think im latino

2009-05-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was walking down my favorite after exiting the library close to broadway. A man came up to me looked me right in the eye and started speaking to me in fluent spanish, I think might've understood one maybe even two of the words he said, but all I could say was "Lo siento, no hablo espanol" he responded, "Oh ok, i no know pappi..." and we parted. Later i was getting some rations when someone in line asked me, "You got ten cent? Huh? Could you give me ten cent, amigo?" I wondered first why he would call me amigo, then why the man earlier would speak to me in spanish as if i should know what he was saying. Then I wondered if no one in my neighborhood has bothered me yet because they might think I am like everyone else.

People have mistaken me for several ethnicities, and I dont think they've stopped now...I think they think im latino, and as long as i dont talk they will keep thinking that. Let's keep it that way...

Creepy people and laptop internet??

2009-05-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

Dont get your hopes too high at the title. Anyway today I was walking down broadway and managed to get one more application out (rite aid) this is an agonizingly slow process, apparently. My biggest fear is once i finally get the victory of being hired i still wont make or work enough, i need to earn at least $150 a week, not real optomistic. Even then that's just enough to maintain my dry-raman-eating lifestyle, yummy.

Today as I was walking a man drove to the side of the road and started talking to me, I figured he was going to ask me directions. "What are you looking for?" I asked.
"You got a few minutes?"
"Maybe, what do you need?"
"You just hanging out?"
"I guess, what are you looking for?"
"I just want someone to hang out and have a good time with, you wanna get in?"
"Oh well I'm busy looking for a job actually..." oh boy...
"Oh ok man, well I'll pay you a few dollars."
Suddenly all the stranger lessons kicked in from kindergarten i just smiled and said, "That's ok thank you!" and walked away. I wasn't sure if he was drug-dealer, sex-offender, or just desperately lonely but i didnt want to find out, especially if he had a gun in the glove department.

Now I am in the internet cafe again but it turns out the Brooklyn Public Library has WIFI (wireless for my laptop) so I may be on more, though the library closes earlier than the cafe, but it is free and I can actually upload and download photos should that oppurtunity present itself...

God bless you all, keep praying for a job, bye bye!

hello everyone

2009-05-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

I am doing really short updates lately, makes me wonder if should just get a twitter account, but i dont want too...

Anyway today was a good day. I put out one more application and went to church at the old metro place. Some people greeted me pretty warmly, but not too many, the metro people are ALWAYS busy, God bless their hearts.

We got out at 11:00 from the first service, which started at 9:30, they have two services every sunday, actually three, a first, a second, and a Spanish (if only I knew the language better!)

I miss my church at home, but I must make the best of it I suppose, we wouldn't have gotten home til 1:00 or 1:30 back home. Still looking for a job, keep praying...

Regret

2009-05-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was walking around my neighborhood, and I saw a little boy talking to his mother, in fluent, perfect arabic, my heart melted. It made me wonder if I made the right choice.

I am here now and I will try to make the best of it, but I will regret turning my back on palestine for the rest of my life...

Home Sweet Home

2009-05-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

Another quick update, I am on the internet only because I am at an internet cafe, apparently my computer's wireless device is not powerful enough to tap the connections here in Brooklyn, in manhattan there were so many networks you couldn't help but find one, but here there is no luck. The only lucky thing is, there is an internet cafe' right down the block.

Anyway today I wondered around Manhattan, totally lost and confused. I was trying to find the broker's office but I kept going the wrong way on 42nd street, and every sidewalk i wanted to take was closed. I'm starting to like this city alot less. Well it turns out I never found the office, but it didn't matter. When i called the number the broker gave me it turns out the only service i got was a subscription to their automated telephone listing, and none the ones available were what I needed. I wasted my $125 for bloody nothing. I found a place on craiglist much faster using the internet access by my hostel, thank God for that I guess.

Now I am settling in here in East New York. Maybe if i get a real job i can move and find a place with internet access, or maybe a library or something will have wireless, cause I dont know how i will upload pics...

I'll figure something out...

Oh and apparently I am off the grid big time here in NYC, NOBODY TAKES CHECKS!! I have hit so many atm machines I could be sick.

God bless you all bye, bye!

Hostel-quick update

2009-05-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

I am in New York as you know, I am not a liar. So I got off the train and went to burgerking, then I walked around for an hour or two until I find the agency that's going to find me a room to live in permanently, or more so than what I am in now.

my appointment was not til 5:00, and the office was closed til then. But my hands were covered in blisters and my arms are so soar from carrying the load i can barely type. So i sat for a couple hours and waited for the guy to come, looking like a homeless person the whole time. One man offered to give me a sandwich if I was hungry, I should've taken it and saved it for tonight. Although I technically am homeless, it was quite an experience, i cannot imagine doing that 24/7.

Anyway if any roommates show up (i am alone right now) i dont want them to know I have a laptop so i have to put it away right now and wrap this up. But I am paying $30 a night to stay here and it is a lovely location right across from central park, I think i should walk around before it gets dark. God bless you all, bye bye
-David

P.S: no camera= no pictures, sorry :(

The Big Day

2009-05-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

Well today is it, midnight, on wednessday the 13th of may, hmmm should've picked a better day, maybe thursday, oh well.

Anyway if you dont hear from me for a long time it might be because i dont have internet and haven't found my way to a library yet, better map that now while i still can.

Anyway please pray for me while i take my trip to New York City, this time a one-way trip, and pray for the new life I am going to life. I can hope it will be blessed by God despite my shortcomings. Bye all, hope to hear from you soon. God bless all my readers as i journey into the unknown.

Oh Cellphone, what a night!

2009-05-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well it is about 1:30 in the morning almost as I type this, and what a night. I go to bed at about 11:00 at night and as part of my nightly routine I check to see if I have my necessities ready for the next day, and wouldn't you know it, my cellphone is missing. I rearrange my entire bedroom trying to find. I check the library, the kitchen, the dining room, the playstation room, the tv-room...the bathrooms?? Outside??? I retrace every place I took the phone but it is nowhere I would've logically put t, I tried to think of an illogical place I might've put it, but no ideas. I wrote down everywhere i checked which gave me a list of places it wasn't, which suggested the phone may be lost somewhere in the time continuum. Finally I pick up my laptop and check every room it might be twice, I am calling my phone on Skype, and hoping i will hear it ring, nope of course not! How could it not be anywhere?

A sudden thought comes to mind, every so often because of the crime-rate (in our home, not in town, we live among thieves) Sometimes my trustworthy brother (one of the few) Noah takes my things when he see's I've misplaced and takes them for safekeeping. For example I remember one Noah frantically looking for my Ipod, which like my phone seemed to be gone, when he gave it to me the next morning, "You left it lying around and I didn't want someone to steal it"

I thought about waking Noah up, but the poor boy was already up all night the night before working on a project, and was a very tired man. Instead I carried my laptop into his room discreetly, and call my phone on skype, with the light still off. Sure enough somewhere in his messy room I see a bright light "suddenly" come on and I hear a light vibration. Yay! I go and bend down at one of the legs of his bed and pick up my phone, which informs me I have 18 missed calls (all from myself of course)

Of course I can't help but wonder why he didn't simply come downstairs and GIVE me the cellphone, or perhaps set it in my bedroom where I could find it and say "oh thank goodness, I must've left it careless lying there, I'll take it now" But I am thankful he's looking out for me *smiles*

Oh well a perfect end to a perfect night I'd say, sweet dreams everyone!

Fosaking the Call or Turning my Back on Destiny?

2009-05-11T04:37:00.001-07:00

I have never believed in fate or Destiny, yet there has been a sense of God pushing a certain plan into place, though not written in stone. I do not know if there is such a thing as a direct "calling", I do not know if I care.

Perhaps I have a compulsory need to shock people or keep people guessing, perhaps I am simply unstable, a man of wavering faith "moved about with waves of the sea" again I do not care.

All you need to know now is that I am not going to Palestine I am going to New York. Not to pursue a calling, perhaps to flee from it, or perhaps to forge my own Destiny. Maybe to fall on my face. In any case I have to go back to the place where it all started.

Fotos De Miguel

2009-05-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

Now here is the surprise you've been waiting for....
That's right, I DID forget the camera, but in God's grace he provided a lady who shall remain nameles (named Riet) who DID have a camera and emailed me some pictures today. Thank you Riet

If you look really closely at these pics you'll notice he is trying to do something very mischievous, but can't quite reach...

Saturday in New York-Day 3

2009-05-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

ok people the big conclusion you've been waiting for day 3, saturday, always the big day at Metro.

I woke up first thing in the morning (well 6:30 or so) I was very thirsty for breakfast so i walked down to a cornerstore and bought a 20 oz. bottle of haiwaian punch. While there I got to witness an elderly man threaten to kick a younger, healthier cashier's you-know-what because he was charing him too much for a cup of coffee, that was good fun.

Then it was finally time to go off to saturday-Sunday School (just stay with me) I got to meet a few nice and new people as always, but forget their names quite quickly, as usual. When the bus started to drive my heart started pounding. What if he didn't show up?? This trip would've been a miserable failure and a waste of time and money! Oh no! The bus stopped infront of his house, and everything moved in slow motion...................................................................................................
...............................................................
............................................................
Finally...I saw a form of a child in the distance? Was it him?? He got on the bus..........................................................
................................................................
I saw the face as he turned around, it was him!! Wooh! I tilted my head up at him in the cool "gangsta" way, but smiled instead of frowning, like they usually do to add to the coolness. He gave me a big cheezy smile back, and he sat down by me.

At first he didn't say much so I had to ask him a bunch of questions to get him to talk, then he barely stopped talking, that's my boy! Of course we had lots of fun in "yogi bear sunday school" which is alright if you can tolerate the noise level, and the tickle-fights, oh I hate the tickle-fights! Why must Pastor Bill make them tickle each other?

Anyway it finally ended with a REALLY good lesson, which is typical of this place, especially when Pastor Bill adds a reflection on his own life for the kids at the end.

The busride home was much better than on the way here, maybe because he was more awake and talking to me more, and maybe because he actually stayed on the bus instead of getting off at the first stop which usually happens. Either way we enjoyed ourselves alot. At some point he kept glancing over at the third person in our seat (the buses are crowded) playing games on a very fancy cellphone. I figured why watch a game on an expensive cellphone, when you can play some on my cheap garbage tracfone. So we spent the rest of the trip doing that, and he scored pretty high on Spring Ball so now his initials are in my phon, a nice sweet memory. I asked him his middle name and he responded "A*******"
"Oh," I said. "So your full name is Michael A******** *********"
His eyes got very wide and he exclaimed "Wow, I didnt know you could speak Spanish!"
"What? What'd I say?"
"You pronounced my last name perfectly!"

Apparently he was amazed that I used the Spanish pronounciation of his last name, and thought it was just the coolest thing in the world that I did so correctly. This made me feel very good *big cheezy smile*

After we dropped off the last of the kids the bus came back to the church and we walked to the closest Mcdonald's
There I bought him a happy meal, and me a small fry and a drink (I get indigestion when i travel so better not to eat alot on the day I leave)

There we talked about a wide variety of subjects including school, pro-wrestling (Jon and Lee would've loved it), and classic memories from each of our families (like for example for my family the time James got his head stuck in the cat-door, classic!)

The bus Captain tried to rush us to leave early like three times but I kept insisting we stay a little longer, honestly we have til 2:30 and we ended up leaving at 2:00, were he not such a big teddy bear of a man I would've punched him in the face, that and i did not want to be a bad influence.

Finally it came time to leave when we got back to the church I went with Michael and the sponsorship office director (Riet) back to his house where we dropped him off. His mom was not there but his big sister was so I thought it ok. After a big hug we parted ways.

A cab-ride, and an only a slightly-teary train ride later I was home...

Friday in NY-Day 2

2009-05-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

I wake up the next morning still feeling quite thoroughly disappointed that i have still not seen my sponsor kid, which is why I came in the first place. I keep wishing it was saturday and hoping that this day would pass quickly. However, I find that this day carries with it some redeeming qualities.

I go to staff meeting, they make a bunch of announcements, introduce me and other visitors, and pastor bill preaches. I go down to the sponsorship office to see what we have planned for the next day and see if they can work something out. The bus captain, they say is enthusiastic about the idea, and eventually we decide I will go down after "yogi bear sundayschool" and we drop off the kids from its 1st session (oh yeah there are three different sessions of the same exact program, crazy right, my buddy is in 1st lucky for me). Then, I decided, we will go to McDonald's and hang out for a couple hours. They tell me around 12:00 probably all the kids will be dropped off, but from there we should have til 2:30 before my bus captain has to pick up for another bus in third session (which starts at 4:00)

So anyway blah, blah, blah! I go out to sidewalk sunday school (where they open the truck and a stage comes out and we do sunday school outside) and I have a very pleasant time.

I get to see some members of my old team, and I meet a new intern named Pablo. He has a big bruise on his head from being jumped earlier that week (gotta love Brooklyn) but other than that the kids are sure we look exactly alike. One little girl says I am his twin, another little boy walks by and looks right at my face and says "Hi Pablo" I only wish i had my camera so i could get a picture and let you be the judge of if we look alike or not...

At some point after sunday school (outside) has started an old helper comes into the truck, Raheem. He is maybe almost 13 now and was 11 when I knew him before. He is very happy to see me and the feeling is mutual. I have many memories with this young man, but sadly once again I have no pictures :( I also find out later it was the last time I will see him because he is moving to Pennsylvania. I find it somewhat ironic that I will never see him again because he is in fact moving closer to me, funny how that works.

Anyway several special moments later sidewalk is finally over and it is time to relax for the night. When I get back I decide to go to Royal Chicken to get something to eat. Of course on my way I hear someone behind, but thinking it may be either a mugger or a bum I keep walking. Finally he gets in front of me and I see a badge, ooops, I was just evading justice!
cop:"How many times I gotta say police!?! What's wrong with you?"
me:"I'm sorry i didnt hear you..."
cop:"Are you carrying anything you shouldn't have?" (frisk frisk, guess he answered his own question) "Do you have any ID?"
me:"No I dont like to carry my wallet with me here because it will get stolen"
cop:"Well a wallet isn't an ID"
me:"Well someone can still steal it and it would be a pain to lose it"
cop:"Well what if you got hit by a bus, no one would know who you were."
me:"Hmmmm, good point..."
cop:"Who are you what are you doing here?"
me:"I'm visiting metro ministries, a local church here, im staying just up the street here..."
cop's partner: "Do you engage any illegal activities, drugs, etc.?"
me: "Absolutely not!"
cop: "Ok sorry to have bothered you"
me: "sorry about the misunderstanding officer"

Then I went "home" to eat and stayed up just to watch the first few minutes of toy story with some church people who were also visiting, though for different reasons than me. Nice people.
I went to bed at 9 PM, very early but that's how make the slow days move faster. Finally I woke up and today was the big day...

To be continued

Muhahahahahaha!!

Thursday in NY

2009-05-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up at about 5:30 in the morning and got on a bus to downtown at 6:30. I finally got into New York and hailed a cab to the office of Metro Ministries, the friendly African guy had no idea how to follow the directions i printed so he told me to get in another cab so we dont get lost, so i rode with an older russian gentleman instead.

When I got to the office, the door was completely locked. Hmmmm...awkward...A staffmember finally came and i asked if the office is open, she said yeah the door just gets jammed sometimes, then when she tried to open it she figured out it really was locked. Luckily Pastor Bill (Bill Wilson the founder) happened to walk by and let us in, so I waited in an empty office for maybe an hour when the vistor-relations lady got back from the meeting everyone was at.

Anyway a bunch of boring preliminary stuff happened and it was time to go out and visit some kids, specifically my little buddy/sponsor kid. I was so excited because it had been so long since I have seen him, but as I expected when we came to the house he was not there. Now last year he was in afterschool, and we could not wait for him to get out due to the bus-captain's schedule, but the mom took us to the school so i at least got a few minutes with him. This year, she was feeling very sick and didn't feel like she could leave the house. I asked if we could come back at 5:30 when he got out, no such like there, for he had a doctor's appointment (in the evening?) and i guess by that time it would be too late. So I did not get to see my SK on thursday, but I came on thursday for the purpose of seeing him, no other reason. I was extremely upset. I first wanted to cuss someone out, then i just felt like crying.

Instead I just went to the sponsorship office and explained my predicament to them, as calmly as I could. I came on thursday, spent all this time and money, took time off work, and messed up my entire schedule for what? For them to put me to work as a volunteer and let me see him for 15 minutes on a noisy busride?? That was it? I felt that I needed more than that.
"Well what are you thinking we could do, David?" she asked. "I know you are think something..."
I explained that I am frustrated that when i come to visit my sponsor child the only time i get to see him is as it fits into their program. I see him on visitation, and when I ride the bus, but it seems like we should be able to set apart time specially for him and i to spend together, and maybe something a little longer than a short busride. So she suggested I could perhaps go out somewhere with him on saturday after the sunday school program with the bus captain, and spend a couple more hours there.

So I went to bed that night still frustrated and depressed, and i did end up crying, but I felt a little more optomistic than i would have, I just wanted the day to be over, and was counting down til saturday.

Things I forgot to Bring to NY

2009-05-02T20:16:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone I would like to tell you the whole story of my trip to NYC this past weekend, and this time I'm not going to get mad if you don't comment, I promise ;)

I need to start by telling you all the wonderful things i forgot to bring:

1.The camera, so no picture for me :(

2.Bath towels, so I had to air dry :\

3.A toothbrush, so i brushed by finger

4. Soap and shampoo, so i went to family dollar on broadway to get some

5.My cellphone charger, good thing i had a watch so i could conserve power all weekend.

a dream of sadness

2009-04-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

So due to some people's insistence I have decided to blog about the dream I had last night which put me in this depressed and frustrated mood I am in now, and give my idea of a possible interpretation, I believe every dream has a meaning of somekind spiritual or not.

So I had this dream that a friend of mine was living with me and my family at our house due to some family problems they were having at the time. He had moved in a couple weeks prior but he was not completely unpacked. We were watching a movie together when suddenly my mother came in furious because my friends things were not completely unpacked. Waving her arms and ranting like a lunatic (no affense mom i love you in waking life) she insisted that he gathered his still packed things and put them in a proper order and sequence. Each of his things had stickers with numbers on them and he had to dig through every single individual item make sure it was the right number and have them in perfect order. The task was overwhelming for him needless to say, but if he didn't complete the task on time he would be kicked out of our house and find a new place to live. She gave him exactly two minutes to finish and timed him with a stopwatch. I wanted to help him but I couldn't because I knew she wouldn't approve so I felt completely hopeless. With less than a minute left I could see the sad look on his face, he had too many items left and the numbers were too difficult to find. He gave up. It was over.

He began to pack his things and prepare to leave forever, a very sad and hopeless look on his face. I wept profusely, sobbed inconsolably, and I hated the people who caused this, but most of all I could feel the loss of him leaving.

The rush of emotion was worse than anything else because I couldn't attatch any reason or logic too it, but there it was, and carried over into my waking life as I sat in my bed, helplessly.

Now for the interpretation...

My mother represents life ( as my lifegiver) and the circumstances it has brought. These circumstances have forced me to make quick decisions before I was ready and have forced changes I never wanted. I had a limited time to "get my crap together" and in order, but it was an impossible task and I didn't have enough time.
My friend in disguise as a person I know from waking life (which will be my most painful loss to cope with when i leave hands down) actually represents me. My wanting to help him represents how I have fought and tried so hard to help myself, but I couldn't. I gave it everything I got, but so far I have failed at life, and I am paying dire consequences.
Now I am forced to leave everything and everyone I have fought so hard to keep, I have to leave it all behind. Even worse, I go completely alone.

So anyway I woke up feeling deep sorrow, hopelessness and despair, and I was very angry at my mother even though she didnt really do anything in real life, lol.

cool video from Ramallah

2009-04-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

I know i should resist the urge to post youtube videos as blog entries but i could not resist. I am going to Ramallah in a few months, this is a Christian barber in that very city giving his view on the Israeli-palestinian conflict, I like this man...

2 Chronicles 7:14

2009-04-05T19:25:00.001-07:00

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

A Voice in the Desert-Coming soon...

2009-04-02T21:05:00.001-07:00

just thought i'd let you peeps know im setting up a new blog at www.avoiceinthedesert.info in order to keep you up to date on what's going on with me while I'm serving the Middle East, hopefully i'll have consistent internet access. Obviously since I am here still there's not much interesting to see, but as I am there I'm sure i will have lots of fun pics, stories, and thoughts to post.

Let me know what you think so far and if there's anything i can add or change. Thanks rachel for the setup

God bless everyone,
-David

I'm out

2009-03-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

Last night we rented a "uhaul" for some strange reason and got all my stuff out in less than 2 hours, i was shocked at how many wrappers and crumbs and things i had under my furniture. I should have took a picture. So I went in today and cleaned it up a little for the new tenant.

A rush of emotion washed over me today as I slipped the key under the door, sealing my fate. I will never enter that beautiful apartment again...

I love you Harrisburg, i will miss you forever...

GET OUT!!!

2009-03-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

I talked to my landlord today and it looks like a golden oppurtunity has come, I will be able to finish my rent suffer no penalties for breaking the lease IF im out by april 1 because they have an interested tenant. Praise the lord how he provides, now i have to figure out how to get my junk out by the end of this week, so much for slowly giving it away on craiglist.

My exciting sunday

2009-03-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

Today I...

Went to church and had a lot of fun with the kids, my lesson, IMO was very well prepared, but very, very short, still i think it got the point across. Then we went outside and had even more fun, even though it was cold, i will be surprised if one of the parents doesnt sue me eventually, but let's hope not.

When i got home i sank into my regular sunday depression. I went out for a walk to try and help, but it didnt help. I walked along the Susquehanna River until there was no more sidewalk, and my path came to an end. My only choice was to go all the way back, or to turn the path and leave the side of the river and move forward...seemed like a very eerie message.

When i got home i was still depressed, but having watched Kicking and Screaming too many times, I heard Mike Ditka's voice in my head saying,

"Drink some coffee you'll feel better!!"

So I did, well actually i had a latte with way too much sugar and whipped cream, but it was still good.

On my way out I saw three kids sitting on the sidewalk asking for change, I'm pretty sure they weren't homeless or anything, but I gave them like a $1.35 maybe. They were like "Woa!"
And I said, "Dont buy any booze with it!"
The oldest of the three put out his hands and said, "We wont I swear to God!"
And I walked on, feeling like a winner as i drank my espresso. I have strange ways of dealing with my depression, i realize as i sit here blogging, repressing and denying. You do it your way i'll do it mine!

On my way home a lady in her 50s winked at me and said, "Hey handsome!"
They are always too young or too old, why on earth is that??

I'm going to miss Harrisburg so much! So that was my day, how was yours?

hmmmm

2009-03-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

above is just a sample of one of the three brochure type things i have received recently for material on the ministry, they are quite interesting though not real detailed. Now if i could just figure out how to print them...

so much to do

2009-03-10T07:30:00.000-07:00

quick update, today I:

am trying to get rid of my dining room table, and have thus far gotten 4 emails from people who want it.

Applied for my passport walking to the federal squarepost office here in harrisburg (and hoping for no complication)

will continue my youtube arabic lessons, wrapping up the alphabet (i know the letters by sight now, but cant recite them in order)

So fun day, i guess...

My Sacrifice

2009-03-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

So today i went to church and only paid $11 for my cabfare with capital city, which was a slight improvement, but they could do better, it was also partly because i wrote down directions in case there was any confusion on the driver's part. It always sucks when i have to pay because they think they know where they're going but don't, but oh well.

During greeting time I had my usual spurts of social anxiety and just stayed in my seat for a few minutes, but somehow i summoned the strength to stand up and talk to a few people. Wow! You go David! There's this one lady that comes who I determined to greet, ask her name, and introduce myself to several weeks ago. It tookt everything I had but i finally did it today, and it wasn't so bad, she was actually very friendly. Isn't anxiety funny?

Anyway most of the kids were upstairs because at first John (my children's church tagteam partner/supervisor) didnt think many kids would show up, but they did and were dismissed after offering. Anyway one such kid came up to me to show me pictures of his dog on his cellphone (I know, and my parents never got me nice gadgets when i was 12, it's not fair) then he showed pictures of random shots he captured from a family trip to baltimore aquarium yesterday. That was good fun!

There's this song by Creed called my sacrifice that I've been listening to alot lately, i especially enjoy some of the acoustic versions you can find on youtube.

I try to keep most of my music christian but you know...
Anyway I've been listening to this song alot lately. No great thing has ever been accomplished without some kind of sacrifice. This crazy trip of mine will not be any different.

My Sacrifice is definitely the church and the people, because i really dont give a crap about much else, I mean I'm bringing my laptop and dont really own anything else i actually value so...yeah the people will hurt. Especially if this means i can't sponsor michael, but I am trying to repress and deny that fact so i can cry on my 20-hour flight and not here at home where it's safe. Makes sense right?

This will be the hardest thing i have ever done, but as the Psalmist wrote, "Whoever sows in tears will reap in joy..."

To-do List

2009-03-07T05:30:00.000-08:00

Ok here goes, for now here's what I need to do... (more may be added)
7. Start saving
8.Local churches to solicit support and possible speaking arrangements (hopefully my material on the ministry will have come)
9. Start looking for flights into Tel'aviv and figure out how to make booking arrangements to facilitate the flight.
10.Make the flight arrangements (needs to be a roundtrip ticket for legal purposes)
11. Figure out what I need to purchase and get it (power adapters, books,etc. )
12. Figure out what I need to take and start packing
13. Figure out what i dont need and start unpacking for the sake of cheaper baggage checking
15. Get ready for the big day and say my goodbyes
16. Panic and have several anxiety attacks along the way...
17.Pray ALOT
18.cry

(some stuff has been arased as finished

Going to the Holy Land

2009-03-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

Another quick update, it would seem that the board has made its decision and I will in fact be working with this ministry in the Middle East. More or less I will act as a "house parent" of sorts for the Home of New Life as well as working somehow with the children's program of the local church. I can't be much more specific since I haven't been given exact details yet, but i think that about sums it up.

Through all this insanity I cannot help but think this is what God intended all along...

Even when things are difficult

2009-03-01T13:12:00.001-08:00

Ok off that last topic a little...

This morning i went to church even though my family chose not to. I unfortunately could not get a ride in, but being there was worth the $15, which i swear they charge me more fare everytime, perhaps i should try capital city next time instead of keystone and see if they are cheaper.

When children's church began i had absolutely no idea what to do, i havent led songs in a few weeks, ha! I recognize that is not my strength so i usually make noah do it. And against better advice there were a couple older kids who wanted to be downstairs (about 13) and I let them stay. My philosophy on that is if you are a good kid, you participate, and you actually enjoy being downstairs i have no problem with it, as long as you're not like 15 or 16 or something, then it looks weird, but 13 no problem.

This particular kid i realized, only chose to stay because it was a lesser of two evils. He didnt want to be upstair and listen to the pastor and he didnt really want to be downstairs either, as i could tell, so he all but slept through the songs, which believe it or not actually affects the rest of the groups and makes them think it's stupid too. I was tempted send him upstairs, but he was brand new, and also unchurched, I didnt want to be mean, it's not a talent i have as fine-tuned as some people. But at least part of the time, I was singing solo, as if i was up there to do a church special! I mean really!

I finally decided to let song time die and put it out of its misery i went into the lesson. Most of the kids were really good during the lesson, it was just me who sucked. I mean that's what bloody happens when you wait til the last 10 minutes of your day late into the night and put minimal effort into preparing. But I have been busy and extremely distracted lately!
Finally lesson was over, and we just did a few games until church was finally over!

You know what's funny though? I loved every minute of it!! If this thing in Palestine happens, which I'm praying and not doubting it will, I will miss this dearly!

Just a quick update

2009-03-01T12:43:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning at about 4:00, every once in awhile when i wake up at an awkward time, very rarely, i hear a whisper of my name in the air. It's very creepy just a simple, normal case of hypnogogia, the body falling asleep bringing you back into a dreamstate, but not totally there. The voice this morning startled me so much that I jumped out of bed and figured why not check my email?

So I did. I got an email from my Palestinian ministry saying they received my second recomendation and all that remained was to forward my file to the board of directors for a vote on whether to accept me or not, and i would receive a decision within two weeks. Two weeks?? Why does God insist on doing this to me??

I'm sorry to my readers for this being all i ever talk about, I'm a bit obsessive right now, and it is kind of the highlight of my life at the moment...

Burning Bridges and Open Doors

2009-02-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

I believe it was the ancient Romans who incorporated this tactic when taking a new territory overseas. When the troops arrived and disembarked onto the new land they were to conquor, the generals made sure to burn the boats they came, just incase the soldiers were tempted to go home early. They had to know there was no turning back and they were there for the longhaul. This made them fight that much harder.

In the same way one of my boats, or bridges if you prefer the more common term, was burned last night. I lost my second job at UPS, leaving me with my whopping 12 hours a week, 8 dollars an hour job at Giant with rent, utilities, and countless other day to day living expenses. At first I was shocked and just speechless when they let me go. I wouldnt say they fired me, it was a mutual agreement, but at the same time it wasnt really a choice.

In the silence i started to pray, then began to praise. I realized at that moment that God knew how hard it would be for me to burn my own bridges, so He was taking the liberty to do it for me. Just in case i was attempted to flee from the battle ahead, I suppose.

This morning I got an email at least hinting even more the distinctly growing possibility that I may be leaving the country. Slowly but surely they are chipping away at the doubts i have that it will happen.
More and more I am learning to trust God and accept His will for my life, even when that means knowing something is His will when it seems too good to be true.

Faith does not come easily to me, nor does trust. It's just that i have faced countless hurts and disappointments over the course of my life, and disappointment has been the main theme of the last year. Life has really had its way with me, and yet it's not over until it's truly over, and God has decreed that it is not.

I am getting so close, but I just cant quite accept this, I cannot be certain until i know for sure. But soon...

May the Spirit of The Lord Be Upon Us

2009-02-22T16:01:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was just about to watch my Office DVDs (again) when i suddenly felt the need to do some long overdue personal devotions and spend sometime with God. I began to pray using Psalms 51 as my guide. I prayed this prayer aloud and allowed God to just clear my mind and my soul. Praying to him for a few moments, I thought I might continue to read through the Psalms, a great book. Instead however, I felt the spirit of God tugging on my heart to turn to the book of Luke chapter 4, I wasnt sure why but I read it. I read through the temptations of Jesus and his victory of the Devil's lies, then coming out of the desert where he came to a synagogue in Nazareth and preached. There i read the following verses:

17And there was delivered unto him the book of the prophet Esaias. And when he had opened the book, he found the place where it was written,
18The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,
19To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.

As I listened to my own, reading the words aloud, as is my new custom because I've found we absorb information better reading it aloud than in our heads (through recitation), I began to weep. I realized that this is our calling as believer, to preach the gospel to the poor, to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, to restore sight to the blind, and set free those who are bruised.

This is our purpose as Christians, my purpose as a Christian. Yet we must be ready to perform the work he has for us. How? By having the spirit of the Lord upon us, by spending time with him in His presence and His word.

Then I read several verses later where he preached to the people in his home town and he said,

24And he said, Verily I say unto you, No prophet is accepted in his own country.

Shivers rolled down my spine, I wondered if perhaps God could be trying to say something directly to me through His word. Maybe I am taking this too far, I think so. But in any case my prayer for us all is that His spirit may rest upon us, that we may be ready for the work He has for us, be it in our own country, or elsewhere...

The Red Pill

2009-02-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

Watch the above video to understand what I mean, but I have in a seense been offered a red pill this morning, a completely new way of living. This will lead to many complications and it will be a long journey but I am thinking it may be worth it. Will I accept the red pill and continue this journey of madness, or go back to my life the way it is here.

Here is what i have basically been told:

My application looks promises, and Pastor Kakish would love for me to come out, but...

I need to come by the end of august, to be there at the start of the new school-year.

Now what about my lease agreement? I can end it on the following terms:

1. I pay any money owed to my landlord (missed rent payments, etc., no prob.)

2.I give my landlord 60 days notice

3.I pay an extra months rent for damages.

How long will i stay? I can stay AT LEAST until june of the next year, a full school year, can i stay longer? I'm still asking. Do intend to do this? Yes! Will I need support? Yes! Will I need faith that this can work out? Yes! Am I going to try? Yes! Am I sure this is going to work out? No! But praying!

My hands are shaking as i type this, so forgive any typing mistakes.

Goodbye Sarah, hello new week

2009-02-15T16:15:00.001-08:00

My sister was in town this past couple weeks or so, and sadly she left this morning. Most of us miss her i think, but she is off to serve the lord in Bolivia, among needy children, and is about the Father's business. for that I am quite happy for her, and then she will return to be reunited with her dear husband.

She can only find measures of happiness in the next few short periods of life it would seem to me. That makes me happy for her.

In any case this week I yet continue to wait to find out if I will be following in her footsteps, but serving in a different hemisphere, and if God wills it on a longer-term basis. Unlike her I dont have a family to start or a life here to begin, although I am starting to wonder. I always get emotional in children's church. I think I will be deeply disappointed if they find some reason to reject me, or some technical detail (like money is a big possibility), but it will not be the death of me, i do have a base here.

On the other hand the calling of God is strong, i dont have too many reasons to believe it will fall through.

I am very much like Neo offered the pill by Morpheous, which will take me out of the matrix, or the one that will return to my mundane life, like it never happened. How much deeper will the rabbit hole go if I actually get offered the former pill? I dont know.

The pain of not knowing is just worse than anything else. Tuesday this man of God gets back from his convention in Rome, then the process will finally begin, how much longer can i wait?

Waiting by the frozen river

2009-02-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

I dont know what it is about this river I find so beautiful but I love taking walks and just looking at it. I found it no less enchanting partially frozen near the winter's end, quite beautiful.

Meanwhile I am still waiting to find out about this "oppurtunity", unfortunately our friend Pastor Kakish is at a convention in Rome as a guest speaker, and wont return til the 17th, so the process wont even begin until then. So once again I am left to wait and wonder. I do believe God enjoys this game far too much for my liking, but do keep praying.

ok

2009-02-09T11:43:00.002-08:00

now that the cat is out of the bag, somehow my mom guessed what I've been so mysterious about lately so i am posting the website:
browse at your hearts content
http://www.hnlife.org/

so far so good

2009-02-08T12:11:00.001-08:00

so far your prayers are working people, i just got to fill out this application now and see what becomes of it, so keep praying, God bless you all...

unspoken prayer request

2009-02-05T18:37:00.000-08:00

hello everyone,
I just wanted to take this oppurtunity to ask all of you to say a prayer for me in a certain situation of mine. I dont really want to say anything out of fear that i may "jinx" it, I just want to say i found an oppurtunity i didnt know was there, and it's a slim chance and a longshot but I have to try. Like i say i dont want to discuss it and have it fall through so suffice it to say for now i just want your prayer in this situation that everything works out, seriously! Thanks everyone and God bless.

it never goes away completely

2009-02-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

Can I run from it? Can I hide from it? Where can we run or hide from almighty God? How long can push us and hold us in submission with his mighty right hand before we give in? Why do we fight him? Why do we run and hide from the calling he gives us? Sometimes it seems impossible, but maybe that's no excuse to give up. Sometimes he shouts louder for everytime we try to ignore Him.

What am I talking about? The burden. it never goes away completely. God keeps digging it up no matter how deelpy i bury it. Maybe it is finally time to stop fooling around, because as the old verse goes "God will not be mocked"

We can ignore it, run from it, hide in our busy-ness, hide in our emotional roller coasters, we can repress it,deny it, avoid it at all costs, and wallow in our misery because of our refusal. But in the end it never goes away completely.

The time comes when we must submit or die!

Good day

2009-01-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

Today I went to church and all that good stuff, revival ministries, a group that comes to our church sometimes, came today and took over both upstairs with the adults, and downstairs with the kids. I could have picked which one i got to sit in on, and guess which one I picked? am I predictable?

After church i stayed after to fellowship rather than going home with the parents and hitched a ride with the pastor back home to my place, after first enjoying a dinner they technically prepared for the revival people, but they let me sit in on it with the pastor's kids. It was fun. I am also going back tonight for the special service the revival people are doing for the church tonight.

Today was a good day! (bet you didn't see that one coming)

Everything went great today

2009-01-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

The kids were really good, the songs, the games, everyone had a lot of fun, everythin went smoothly, my lesson was great, it was almost a perfect sunday.

So what is my problem? Why I am I so miserable? Maybe were not addressing the real problem, and maybe I don't want to tell you what it is, so I guess that's that.

Broken Dreams-A Conversation with God

2009-01-15T15:41:00.000-08:00

Me: Lord God sometimes i think you are the only one who really understands my pain, you are the only one who knows the burdens i bear, but you seem to do nothing. If you asked me I would give you all that I have, but I have nothing left but broken dreams

God: Remember when you told me that if none of your dreams came true and you came to nothing, but if you made a difference in the life of one soul your life would have been worth living? Make that your dream.

Me: Then why do you keep me away from the ones that I love?

God: Because you depend on them and yourself more than you lean upon me. Seek me first and I will add these things unto you, and do not sick the riches of this earth, stop wasting your time on these shallow dreams and seek me. Do not long for money and wealth, for the pagans long after these things.

Me: but Lord you have blessed the rich and the powerful and they have lived selfishly, why should you deprive me of these things? I don't want a nice car, I don't want a nice house, I don't want the stuff! I just want to care for the ones that I love!

God: Then ask for what you need and not for what you want, and I will provide, and seek me first. Do not pursue righteousness through the pathway of the pagans, take the road less travelled, the narrow pathway. Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart, seek me first and these things will be added unto you.

Me: Forgive me lord for my selfishness and my shallow pursuits, for straying from your path and taking my eyes off of the needs of others. Help me to live for you.

Blessings for the ungrateful

2009-01-13T23:31:00.000-08:00

I am kind of an ungrateful jerk incase you haven't noticed by now, I am also very emotional and in this last couple months i've been undergoing stress like never before along with severe depression. That being said sometimes i need to recognizes the little blessings God gives me and be thankful, this not to say that I am apologizing for anything i've said so far. I am who I am, and i know I've probably lost a chunk of my readership in the last few weeks, but i cant say i care. Like i've said before I know that I am loved and I dont feel a need to be accepted by a large number of people. I have a few people who I care about and a few people i consider close friend, very few. That's how i operate.

Anyway i wanted to share a blessing tonight because i dont think i deserve it, but God gave it anyway.

So i came in to work for more training. While I was in the HR office getting my ID i saw a guy there who really looked familiar, like someone from our church. I dont know if that was him or not but he did say hi to me and we talked a little about the job. I dont know much about the man but i see him alot, it's funny how we can see people everyday and never say anything to them, especially when we have anxiety about meeting new people, I hate that about myself.

That wasn't part of the story though, that was my ADD.

Anyway a couple days ago I met this guy named Kevin. He is hilarious, and he has been throughout the first tour, the second interview, and the training. It's nice to have someone who can lighten the mood of uncomfortable situations like this, it almost makes the process bearable, almost. It helps even more when that person sees you get out of a cab and offer to give you a ride.

I Thank God for little blessings like this even though i know i dont deserve them.

Visions

2009-01-13T14:49:00.000-08:00

Well last night I want to my 1st training for UPS, it is a job i guess, but it's not for me, it's terrible, I am sick of these deadend jobs, but I am trying to be grateful so ill shut up.

Anyway i got home at three this morning and hit the sack half an hour later. I woke up at 6:00 as schedules by my alarm clock to go to my other job at giant, but i said I will rest my eyes for just five more minutes. I passed out and five minutes became an hour. Crap! The mechanicsburg bus leaves at 7:00 and it is 7:00, i missed it! So i called my boss to explain that i would be late because the next bus didn't come til 8 and i was scheduled at 8. "What time will you make it then?" he asked.
"About 8:30..."
"You're not scheduled to 9:00"
"Oh nevermind."
How silly of me.

Anyway when i got on the 8:00 bus I was dozing in and out of my weariness, call it a hallucation if you want, but I refer to it as a vision. I was not asleep and in fact my eyes did not even close but I found myself in a small town, seeing several churches around me yonder. I could hear the church bells ringing and my footsteps on the cobblestone path, and quite vividly remember just the slightest breeze. These visions are like no dreams I've ever had, though I've had so few of them.

Anyway I suddenly noticed one of the kids from junior church walking by my side. He seemed maybe a year or so older, and I remembered him becoming my new helper downstairs, he'd been working with me for quite some time in my "memory" and he looked up at me suddenly.
"I want to teach this sunday!" he said. Then the vision faded and I was back on the bus, my eyes didn't open because they never closed, and the vison only lasted a few seconds, but it was so strange.

Do you believe in visions?

Two Mice With one Trap

2009-01-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

Classic...

About time too...

random thought really

2009-01-09T16:41:00.000-08:00

I was looking back at some old entries tonight and i noticed some people still never commented on my photos in kids church that one time, why is that?

Tied to the brown truck and screaming

2009-01-09T12:44:00.001-08:00

Incase any of you did not read my facebook status ljust wanted to let you know I am now an employee of UPS. Went in for my "second interview" and they signed me up, I am not exactly surprised it all seemed like more a formality and they were going to hire me anyway. Can't say I'm happy either really, slightly relieved maybe that I have secured a month or two of financial security, but I will gladly bail on this job first chance i get. The work is rigorous and not at all my style, the pressure is very high, and the pay is relative low for a labor position of this magnitude. There are benefits to consider like schooling, but considering i have to work this job (which will give me a maximum of twenty-five hours each week, and a minimum of maybe 15) and another job in the day, there seems little to no time for school anyway, so it's rather a clever trap.

Also walking three miles to work late at night in the city in winter is still not appealing, though not as bad as it used to be.
Also I am running out of corny blog titles capitalizing on the brown truck puns.

In any case I have not stopped looking and I am dreading going in on monday, but I guess I should be grateful....

Dreams that make me sad :(

2009-01-08T09:45:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been having these recurring dreams, pretty much every other night, and last night i had another one of them. Dreams where I visit and see my sponsor kid again. I want to see that kid again so badly, and I don't think it's fair that rich people are taking cruises in the carribean and trips to Hawaii or Rome when all I want is to go to some crappy neighborhood in Brooklyn to see my buddy again and I can't even afford to feed myself let alone take the trip. Maybe that's why I care so much about money, that is other than the whole survival thing. We can keep saying money doesn't buy happiness, but that is a bunch of bull. Scientific studies have already proven that it does.

It's not money that makes people happy of course, it's how you use it, I don't understand why people who use it selfishly and irresponsibly are making all of it and people like me can't even get enough to pay the rent. Then people try to tell me there's justice the world, ha!

Anyway three or four nights ago I had a much worse dream where I was not visiting my sponsor kid but watching him from a distance. I was watching on a screen as several kids were somewhere in some desert at the base of a high, steep mountain. They seemed to be lost and trying to find their way home. Meanwhile there was some evil killer on the loose trying to find them. I felt the need to be there for the kids, but of course i was stuck on the other side of this screen.

Then there was my kid, he was stuck somewhere further up the mountain between two pluxy-glass walls, which were the only things keeping him from tumbling down the cliff, but also kept him trapped as in a cage. Then there was the killer, who resembled Dog the bounty hunter for some reason, and he was scaling that mountain quite efficiently, with a knife in hand and a gun in his belt. He was edging toward my SK ready for the kill. I remember feeling angry, depressed, and hopeless at this point. "Why would he want to kill him!?!" I cried aloud. Meanwhile Noah, my brother, was watching with me and just laughed when I said that. I wanted to punch him in the face.

Finally I woke up feeling the same, frustrated, hopeless, and angry, like I am everyday.

Some days I really hate my life!

The Brown Truck might Ride Again

2009-01-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of me after my interview with UPS last night, a move of desperation on my part. The interview went very well as you can see and it was only raining a tiny bit on my 3 mile walk home. The 3 miles didn't feel as long and painful as it did the first time, so I am optomistic!!

Who knows? I might even show up for my follow-up interview this time and actually work there. How fun!!

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

2009-01-05T19:22:00.001-08:00

I was listening to this song tonight and it really hit me hard with a truth I've been needing to hear. That when we turn our eyes upon our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, "the things of this world seem dim in the light of his glory and grace"

Tonight while listening to this song it suddenly hit me that i did not need to turn my eyes upon jesus, but turn over my eyes to Him, so that he could open them and let me see. I am quite sure that God is going to provide an answer and soon, but more importantly that my problems are secondary. How can I be so focused on myself when there are people around me that I know are hurting? How can I feel sorry for myself instead of praying for them.

So I did, I began to pray for some people I knew. People that God has given me a particularly heavy heart for in recent weeks. The amazing thing is as I wept in prayer for them, I forgot about myself and my problems and such a weight came off of me. It was amazing. As I write this I feel totally at peace, yet somehow restless, not for myself but for these people and what their future may hold. It is uncertain at this point, but I have this feeling God is going to do something different. I just don't know what, it's a weird feeling I can't seem to shake.

I'm being very vague because I don't really want to talk about it, but I wanted to express the concept at least.

Nice to see me blogging positively again, isn't it? We'll see where my mood goes tommorrow and the day after.

I stopped trying

2009-01-04T15:18:00.000-08:00

Typical sunday I spent the first of my hour on my bed crying, and the next half hour sitting dazed and doing nothing, then finally a half hour of asking God random questions like "where are you" and "Have you forgotten me?"

I have not yet found a job and even more they are cutting my hours at work. I got a whopping 4 whole hours this week, which as you know is a terrible paycheck especially in light of the bills piling up. The saving can only withstand so much more shock, i estimate i can survive with no results for 2-3 months if im lucky.

Then there is children's church, to be quite frank I am barely any fun when leading songs/games, and quite disorganized, i never know what I'm doing next and the kids can tell too. If I was working a corporate job the way i do kids church i would receive a formal warning and a very poor performance review, luckily I'm working for free for a church, not exactly competing with volunteers clamoring for the position.
Then there are my lessons which are usually poorly prepared, disorganized, and despite the vision i originally have in my head never quite get the point across.

I've realized that my problem is not my skills or abilities, as i was originally beginning to think. The problem is I've stopped trying. I mean it's hard to do anything when you're in survival mode.

I am like people in third-world countries, like an african tribesman perhaps, they don't sit around and think of new ideas and come up with more efficient ways of forming a society, and put new technology out there, or sit around indulging philosophical and poetic musings. They just look for food.

All I can do is look for money, and until i find a stable situation i will be absolutely crippled in every other capacity. I can't try at other things and do other things efficently if I am not secure.
Can I really take care of other people and other functions in society when i can't even care for myself? Maybe, but not very well.

Unfortunately i have also stopped trying to find a job in recent weeks. I am what they refer to in macroeconomics as a discouraged worker. I give the appearance of an unemployment crisis receding, when in reality jobs are not becoming available, people are just dropping out of the workforce in surrender.

Somehow i will continue trying, and soon, in both my professional and personal life, but I just don't know what to do.

I'm ok

2008-12-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

Just so you people know i am a tiny bit better than last sunday, i think today was an ok/more or less day. I would be jumping for joy but I am still headed for financial ruin and no oppurtunities are opening up. I dont really understand God is supposed to be a provider and he's not providing. It's really frustrating and depressing. I feel like im not even a man, every rejection and unreturned call is one more cloud of dirt being kicked in my face.

But other than that I am really happy!!

Why I don't care for holidays

2008-12-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of Christmas just before it finally ends I am going to explain to you the reasons that truly I don't even like holidays.

I don't like Christmas for the basic reasons, the chaos, the money, the materialism, and especially the loneliness and depression that creep up on me, but I think I have deeper sentiments about this.

Regardless of what holiday it is I think partly holidays are not only excuses to indulge, but obligations to be extravagant. I don't care much for extravagance and I don't think I should have to change that just because of what day it happens to be.

I also think that holidays are days in which we behave in a certain way, observe certain truth, and do certain things that should be done everday. Shouldn't we always be thankful? Why do we need a day to gorge ourselves to death and kill ourselves getting ready and forcing ourselves to be social to remind us to be thankful? Shouldn't we always be grateful for the birth our savior? Shouldn't we always be both humbled and honored by Christ's life and death on the cross for us, as well as amazed and exceedingly glad for his resurrection? Shouldn't we be thankful to be born in a free nation all the time, but then again is it worth celebrating that we fought a war and both killed and sacrificed thousands of people over something as petty as taxes? This coupled with the irony that we now pay far worse taxes than we ever did under British rule.

And really do we have to set one day of the year to justify and encourage already obnoxious and rampant public displays of affection?

They say that Christmas is a day of giving. Shouldn't everyday be a day of giving? Shouldn't we constantly be giving of ourselves, and expressing our love for one another? Why do we need to justify this but a few times a year with special holidays?

Personally I am infinititely more touched when some gives a gift at random for no reason at all, just an expression of care and friendship with no particular purpose, than an obligatory Christmas gift. I also feel greater value and joy and doing these things in a spirit of random friendship, than I do because "well I gotta get my christmas shopping out of the way and make you people happy"

I don't know I guess that's just me, but I prefer enjoying life to the fullest every sin gle day that I can to waiting for the holidays and going crazy then. Just some random thoughts...